I'm the Butler
by Increasing Paranoia
Summary: AU The rest of the guests all want to know what they're doing at Hill House. Roxas just wants dead bodies to quit turning up. A re-writing of the 1985 movie Clue using characters from Organization XIII
1. In Which the Guests Meet Each Other

A/N: I know, I know! I said that I'd update Who He Should Be next, but this was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. A re-write of the 1985 movie Clue using members of Organization XIII. One problem though - not enough female characters in Organization XIII, so Fuu, Yuffie and Tifa make an appearance. Some characters may be a little out of character, but that's just because fitting them to the movie characters require it. Any and all mistakes are mine since I don't use a beta. Kingdom Hearts and Clue do not belong to me, etc. etc.

* * *

It was already evening and the wind was starting to pick up as the car pulled up to the gate. A younger man with bright red hair stretched his left arm out of the driver's window and inserted the appropriate key to open the iron gate. As the gate opened with a minor creaking noise, the driver easily navigated the winding driveway before parking the black car. The red-haired man exited the car, his coat easily draped over his left arm and his umbrella hooked on his right. In his right hand he carried a paper bag. As he walked toward the mansion, two German Shepards came forth and one lunged, grabbing his coat off of his arm. A startled exclamation issued from the man's lips, and he stepped backward, out of the reach of the two dogs. Cautiously, he reached into the paper bag, pulling out a meaty bone and tossing it before pulling out a second bone and tossing it as well. Both bones landed outside of the doghouse, and the dog's eagerly turned their attention to their treats. Crumpling the bag and pinning it under his right arm, the red-haired man moved toward where the guard dog's leashes were clipped to a wall and quickly shortened both the lengths so that the dogs would no longer be able to move so closely to the entrance. He then picked up his coat from the ground.

Entering the hallway of the mansion, the young man moved toward the closet, sliding his umbrella into the stand by the closet door. Opening the closet, he put away both his jacket and his bowler hat. Tugging his waistcoat down and smoothing his tie, the young man then closed the closet door, clasped his hands behind his back, and moved to close the front door, which he had left open. Clasping his hands behind his back once more, he moved down the hallway, stopping to look into a dining room which had been prepared for a formal dinner. Seven place settings had been laid, and a fire roared in the fireplace.

Moving directly across the hallway, the red-haired man entered into a library, where a young green-eyed, blonde haired woman, her hair slicked back (though two strips seemed determined to stick out - one on either side of her head) in a French maid's outfit was bouncing to swing music and polishing glasses. The man moved further into the room, grabbing the young woman's attention as he switched off the stereo. Moving to stand in front of her, his hands still behind his back, he addressed the young woman.

"Is everything ready?" he inquired.

"Oui, monsieur," she replied.

"You have your, um," he hesitated, eyes briefly glancing down to her chest, "instructions?" Her head tilted forward and slightly to the left in silent agreement, and he exited the library, continuing further into the house. Walking up a short flight of three steps, he turned left into the kitchen. In there, a large woman was facing a cutting table while sharpening a large cutting knife. "Everything alright?" he inquired, stepping down the two steps into the kitchen. He stopped short when the cook whirled, the cutting knife held in her right hand. He held still, eyes trained on the knife pointed at his neck before moving them towards the cook's face.

"Dinner will be ready at seven-thirty." She said shortly. Any more awkwardness was interrupted by the doorbell ringing and the young man whirled, calmly exiting the kitchen, his hands still firmly clasped behind his back. The cook remained, still sharpening the knife, though she was now watching the small television.

The young man walked sedately to the front door. Outside, an older gentlemen stood with his hands in his pockets. His long brown hair, streaked with gray, was pulled back into a tight pony-tail, which fell down his back. His right eye was covered with an eye-patch, and a thick scar ran down his left cheek. He was staring at the German Shepards who, in turn, were growling at him.

"Good evening," the young red-haired man greeted as he opened the door.

"Good evening," the new arrival returned. "I don't know if -"

"Yes, indeed, sir, you _are_ expected, Colonel," the young man interrupted. He stood aside to let the Colonel enter into the hallway. "May I take your coat? It _is _Colonel Xigbar, isn't it?" he inquired.

"Uh, no," Xigbar responded, taking off his coat. "That's not my name. My name is Colonel -"

"Forgive me, sir," the red-haired man interrupted, holding up his right hand to stop Xigbar from revealing his true name. "But tonight, you may well feel obliged to my employer for the use of an alias," he stated as he took Xigbar's coat and shut the front door. Xigbar didn't respond as the young man took his hat and hung it with his coat in the closet. Shutting the closet, the young man motioned for Xigbar to follow him down the hall.

"And who are you, sir?" Inquired Xigbar.

"I'm Axel, sir," the young man responded. "The butler." Xigbar said nothing, but examined the younger man as he followed him down the hall. Stopping at the door to the library, Axel motioned for Xigbar to enter. Xigbar paused, taking a moment to look around the splendor of the mansion before following Axel into the room. Inside the room, the maid was pouring champagne for the arriving guests. "Larxene," Axel began and she paused, holding the champagne bottle between both hands. "Would you attend to Xigbar and give him anything he requires," Axel paused, "within reason, that is." After this departing shot, he turned, exiting the room before Xigbar had finished leering at the maid.

"Oh, Axel, I was -" he called, suddenly remembering something he had wanted to talk to the butler about. But Axel had shut the door and unfortunately for Xigbar, it was disguised to look like the rest of the library shelves. The front door bell rang.

Axel opened the door to a young woman with silver-white hair that hung just above her shoulders and red eyes. In her gloved hand she held a letter and had been in the process of re-reading it when Axel had opened the door.

"Do come in, madame, you _are _expected," Axel greeted.

"Do you know who I am?" she inquired.

"Only that you are to be known as Fuu," he responded, standing to the side to allow Fuu to enter.

"Yes," she agreed. "It said so in the letter. But why?" Axel's response was to smile and assist her in removing her coat. After hanging it in the closet, next to Xigbar's, he led her to the library. As he opened the door, Xigbar was pushed out of the way - the glass of champagne Larxene had just handed him barely staying in his hand. Larxene was recomposing herself after having staggered backward to avoid the swinging door.

"Ah," he stated, entering the room, "may I introduce you? Ms. Fuu, this is Larxene, the maid." A cold look passed between the two women, and Axel looked back and forth between them. "I see you know each other," he stated as Fuu turned away from the blonde and entered farther into the room. She startled as Xigbar pushed the door partially shut - he had been pinned behind it as Axel and Fuu had entered.

"Hello," she greeted shortly.

"Hello," Xigbar responded, attempting to act like nothing embarrassing had happened.

* * *

On a long winding road, a red car was pulled to the side and it's engine hood was popped open. A long-haired brunette was bent over, trying to inspect the engine without getting her outfit dirty. Not being able to see what was causing the car to malfunction, she let out a groan of annoyance and hit the side of the car before leaning against it with her arms crossed. As a crash of thunder sounded, she looked up at the sky and lifted both of her arms, the signature look of "why me?" clearly written across her body. Noticing another car driving down the road, she straightened any wrinkles out of her dress and leaned back over her car, pushing her backside out as far as she could. As the car drew level with her own, she bent her right knee. The other car, which had just passed, screeched to a halt and reversed until it was alongside the young woman's car.

"Want a lift?" The man inquired.

"Yes, please," she answered seductively. Grabbing her purse off of her car, she slid into the passenger side. "Thanks," she stated, taking in the driver's appearance - long blond hair, two strands hanging down the front with the rest hanging down behind his shoulders and green eyes, "I'm late for a dinner date," she finished.

"Me too. Where are you going?"

"Let's see," she muttered, pulling out her letter and giving it a quick perusal. "Hill House," she responded. "Off Route 41." The driver leaned over, grabbing the letter out of the woman's hands.

"Wait a minute, let me look at that." He scanned it quickly. "That's where I'm going. I got a letter like this," he explained, looking intently at his passenger. She stared at him, gobsmacked, and an awkward silence filled the car before the driver turned back to the front. He switched on the windshield wipers (it had begun to rain as they sorted their letter business) and put the car in drive.

* * *

"And this is Mrs. Yuffie," Axel introduced. A young woman with black cropped hair and blue eyes was standing in the doorway of the library. She grinned and entered.

"How do you do?" Xigbar asked dutifully.

"Hello." Fuu greeted, just as dutifully.

"Larxene," Axel asked, a bored expression on his face, "will you go and check that dinner will be ready as soon as all the guests have arrived?" Larxene nodded before all but strutting out of the room, only pausing to hand a glass of champagne to Yuffie. Yuffie looked caught of guard at the blatant condescension of the maid, but Xigbar watched the proceedings with amusement. Axel exited the room right after Larxene, heading toward the front door.

Outside, a young man stood on the porch, his eyes kept firmly on the German Shepard. The dog growled dutifully, but it was obvious that he would have rather been in his doghouse than out in the pouring rain. The young man whirled as Axel opened the front door. A look of confusion flickered over the butler's face as he noted that not only had it started to rain, but it was, in fact, pouring. As it became obvious that the young gentleman would not be coming any closer, Axel stepped out onto the porch.

"Is this the right address," the young man began apprehensively, "to meet Mr. Zexion?"

"Oh, you must be Mr. Roxas," Axel stated, smile back in place.

"Yeeeees." The young man agreed.

"SIT!" Axel ordered, and the young blond all but fell onto the bench behind him. "No," Axel explained with a small smile, "not you, sir."

"Oh," Roxas laughed awkwardly before standing and entering the house, Axel following behind him.

* * *

"It should be just off there," the young woman stated, checking the map again as her left arm pointed out the directions. The driver dutifully turned his car at her instruction and the car slowed to a stop as they approached the gate to Hill House.

"That must be it," the driver stated. They both stared as a flash of lightening illuminated the sprawling estate of Hill House.

"Why is the car stopped?" The passenger asked, eyes never leaving the sight of the mansion in front of her.

"It's frightened," came the response, but the car dutifully began to move forward, creeping along winding driveway. The driver parked his car along with the rest before swinging open his door. Raising and opening the umbrella, he exited the car, shutting his door before heading to the passenger side. As his passenger exited, she let out exclamations as she realized just how hard it was pouring. Her polite driver wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her more securely beneath the umbrella as they both raced toward the front door.

"What a godforsaken place," he stated, shaking off his umbrella. His passenger was shaking both her hands in an attempt to get rid of any excess water droplets. A stealthy arm creeped around the waist of the young woman, the driver's hand "accidentally" landing on her butt. The woman shifted away, a look of disgust crossing her face as the front door opened.

"Professor Vexen," Axel greeted. "And Ms. Tifa. I didn't realize you were acquainted."

"We weren't." Tifa answered, shooting Vexen a pointed look before entering the house. Vexen followed behind.

"May I present," Axel began, opening the doors to the library, "Professor Vexen and Ms. Tifa." The other guests stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the last of the guests. Larxene picked up the champagne tray and bounced across the room. Xigbar, who had been standing next to her, watched appreciatively. She presented the tray to Tifa first, then Vexen, before quietly making her way back to her place by Xigbar. Vexen took the opportunity to knock his glass against Tifa's in a pseudo-toast. Tifa shot him a look which clearly stated her annoyance. "Of course," Axel began, pretending not to notice any of the preceding events, "since you've each been addressed by a pseudonym, you'll have realized that nobody here is being addressed by their real name." A moment of awkward silence proceeded this statement as all the guests looked at each other hesitantly. It was broken by the cook striking the gong for dinner. Roxas, startled by the sudden noise, jumped and his champagne went flying out of his glass and landed on Yuffie. "Ah," Axel stated, completely unperturbed. "Dinner," he stated. Tifa, standing next to him, shook her head as if trying to regain her hearing.

"I-I'm sorry," Roxas stuttered. "I'm a little accident prone," he explained as he placed his champagne glass in Yuffie's hand before digging into the breast pocket of his suit for his handkerchief. Yuffie's face betrayed her annoyance, but she allowed the young blond to dab the champagne off of her outfit before they both joined the others in the dining room.

"You'll find your names beside your places," Axel explained as the guests filed in. "Please be seated," he finished before taking Tifa's champagne glass and setting it beside her plate. Roxas pulled her chair out before taking the seat to her left. Xigbar stood standing at his place - he was seated on Tifa's right and across the table Yuffie sat across from Xigbar, Vexen was across from Tifa, and Fuu was across from Roxas.

"Is this place for you?" Xigbar asked, gesturing to the seat at the head of the table.

"Oh, indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler." Axel answered, chuckling.

"And what exactly do you do?" Xigbar pressed.

"I butle, sir." Axel responded.

"Which means what?"

"The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room," Axel explained. "I keep everything...tidy," he continued, moving away from Xigbar. "That's all."

"Well," Yuffie interrupted, taking off her gloves. "What's all this about, butler, this dinner party?"

"Our's not to reason why, our's but to do and die," answered the butler, pulling out her chair.

"Die?" Vexen asked, sitting at his place.

"Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson." Axel reassured.

"Hmm, I prefer Kippling myself," stated Xigbar. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." At this statement Fuu's gaze landed on the man. "Do you like Kippling Ms. Tifa?" The older man asked as he passed a plate of h'orderves to the woman.

"Sure, I'll eat anything," she stated, taking one of the appetizers. At this statement, Larxene exited the kitchen with a tray.

"Shark's fin soup, madame," she stated to Yuffie as she began serving.

"So, is this for our host?" Xigbar inquired, pointing to the empty table setting. He hadn't forgotten his original line of questioning.

"No, sir," responded Axel, serving the guests their drinks. "For the seventh guest, Mr. Zexion."

"I thought Mr. Zexion was our host," Fuu stated, a chorus of "So did I" following. "So who _is_ our host, Mr. Axel?" she inquired. Axel merely smiled and chuckled as he continued serving drinks.

"Well, I want to start while it's still hot," Vexen stated as he placed his napkin in his lap.

"Oh, now shouldn't we wait for the other guest?" Yuffie argued.

"I will keep something warm for him," Larxene stated as she finished serving the rest of the soup.

"What did you have in mind, dear?" Tifa asked suggestively as Axel finished serving drinks. As the two servants took their leave, Vexen began to eat his soup, slurping loudly. Fuu glanced at him dispassionately before promptly beginning to slurp her own soup. The other guests stared before turning to their own soup. Yuffie attempted to tuck into her own dinner before wiping the corner of her mouth with her napkin.

"Well," she started, "I guess someone has got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husband's work and it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time to get acquainted, so I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling," she stated, bringing a spoonful of soup to her mouth before setting it back down and continuing, "I mean, I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here, or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am _determined_ to enjoy myself and very intrigued and oh, my, this soup's delicious isn't it?" The other guests had all paused with their spoons raised, and their mouths open. All eyes were turned toward Yuffie, and it seemed like they were intent on staying that way.

"You say that you are used to being a hostess as part of your husband's work?" Fuu inquired, breaking the spell that had been cast by Yuffie's diatribe.

"Yes, it's an integral part of your life when you're the wife of a -" here she cut herself off. "Oh, but then I forgot, we're not supposed to say who we really are, though heavens-to-betsy, I don't know why."

"Don't you?" Xigbar asked ironically. Yuffie grinned uneasily before taking a bite of her soup.

"I know who you are." Roxas stated, raising his eyes from his soup, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Aren't you going to tell us?" Tifa asked as Yuffie's spoon clattered in her bowl.

"How do you know who I am?" she asked uneasily.

"I work in Washington, too," he answered, slyly.

"Washington?" Vexen asked. "So you're a politician's wife."

"Yes, I-I am," she responded, breaking her gaze away from the young blond and turning back to her dinner.

"Well, come on then, who's your husband?" Xigbar prodded. Further questioning was interrupted as Axel exited the kitchen, propping the swinging door open. Roxas cast a sly look at Yuffie before taking another bite of soup.

"So what does your husband do?" Yuffie inquired of Fuu.

"Nothing." Fuu answered, a little too quickly.

"Nothing?" Yuffie asked, confused.

"Well, he just...lies around on his back all day."

"Sounds like hard work to me," Tifa stated, shifting slightly as Axel removed her soup bowl. Larxene raised the partition between the dining room and kitchen as a crash of thunder sounded. Roxas, who had been wiping his mouth, startled and brought his hands down, catching his spoon. It went flying, and Tifa was struck with droplets of shark's fin soup.

"I'm sorry," he laughed nervously, wiping the soup off the table with his napkin before turning his attention to Tifa's dress. "I'm afraid I'm a little accident prone."

"Uh, watch it." Tifa stated.

"Excusez-moi." Larxene stated, placing a plate in front of Yuffie just as Axel had taken her soup bowl. She began serving Xigbar and Tifa as Axel took the remaining bowls from Fuu and Vexen. As he was exiting the room, Yuffie exclaimed with joy, and Axel turned, holding the two bowls out, and Yuffie only saw Axel.

"This is one of my favorite recipes," she told him.

"I know, madame," he stated, casting a quick look over his shoulder into the kitchen. As Yuffie turned back to the table, he quit the room.

"So, what do you do in Washington, D.C., Mr. Roxas?" Yuffie inquired. Roxas didn't answer, merely lifted his wine glass as Larxene set his plate of dinner in front of him. "Come on, what do you do," she cajoled. "I mean, how are we to get acquainted if we don't say anything about ourselves?" she asked the table.

"Perhaps he doesn't _want_ to get acquainted with you." Tifa shot back at her. Yuffie set her fork down on her plate angrily.

"Well, I'm sure I don't know, but if I wasn't trying to keep the conversation going then we would just be sitting here in an embarrassed silence."

"Are you afraid of silence, Mrs. Yuffie?" Vexen asked, turning to his left to face her head on.

"Yes, WHAT? No! Why?" she quickly answered.

"Well, it just seems to me that you are. You seem to suffer from what we call "pressure of speech"."

"We?" Tifa asked quickly. "Who's we? Are you a shrink?"

"I do know a little about psychological medicine, yes."

"Are you a doctor?" Fuu asked.

"I am, but I don't practice." Vexen elaborated.

"But practice makes perfect." Tifa stated. "I think most men _need_ a little practice, don't you, Mrs. Yuffie?" Yuffie made a non-committal noise.

"So what do you do, Professor?" Fuu questioned.

"I work for UNO - the United Nations Organization." Vexen explained.

"Another politician, Jesus," Xigbar stated.

"No," Vexen stated. "I work for a branch of UNO, WHO, the World Health Organization."

"Well, what is your area of special concern?" Yuffie asked.

"Family planning. What about you, Colonel?" Vexen asked Xigbar. "Are you a real Colonel?"

"I am, sir." Xigbar stated. Tifa smiled, twirling her fork in her dinner.

"You're not going to mention the coincidence that you also live in Washington, D.C.?" she asked.

"How did you know that?" he asked. "Have we met before?" Tifa smiled.

"I've certainly seen you before, although you may not have seen me."

"So Ms. Tifa, does this mean you live in Washington, too?" Roxas asked.

"Sure do," she answered, taking a bite of her dinner.

"Well, does anyone here NOT live in Washington, D.C.?" Yuffie asked.

"I don't," Vexen stated.

"Yes, but you work for the United Nations - that's a government job. And the rest of us live in a government town. Anyone here NOT earn their living from the government, one way or another?" Roxas asked.

"Axel, where's our host and why have we been brought here?" Xigbar demanded, tossing his napkin onto his plate and standing from the table. Before Axel could answer, someone rung the doorbell and he left the dining room. The six guests stared at each other as they listened to the conversation going on in the hallway.

"Ah, good evening. You are eagerly awaited." Axel stated to the unknown guest.

"Are you locking me in?" The voice asked. "I'll take the key."

"Over my dead body, sir." Axel responded. "May I take your bag?"

"No. I'll leave it here 'til I need it."

"It contains evidence, I presume." Axel stated.

"Surprises, my friend. That's what it contained, surprises!" The guests turned their attention to the new arrival as Axel preceded him into the dining room.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr. Zexion?" The young gentleman followed Axel into the room and the guests took in his appearance. His silver hair was cropped short at the back, but his bangs lengthened across his right eye. The style had the effect of obscuring that particular eye, but his left eye was visible and they could clearly make out the silver coloring of the iris. A cold, calculating look was on his face.

"What are they all doing here?" He asked.

"Eating dinner." Axel responded, unfazed by the coldness. "Do sit down, Mr. Zexion," he stated, leading the new arrival to his place at the head of the table.

"Thanks," he stated. As he sat, Larxene exited the kitchen, bringing him a bowl of the shark's fin soup the other guests had partaken of earlier. "No, you can take that away." Larxene stared at him before returning to the kitchen with the untouched bowl of soup. The guests stared at Zexion, unsure of what to make of the new guest and his treatment of the servants. Unable to take the silence anymore, Yuffie addressed herself to Axel.

"Look," she stated, banging a hand on the table. "I demand to know what's going on! Now why have we all been dragged up here to this horrible place?"

"Well," Axel stated, reaching into the inner pocket of his jacket. "I believe we all received a letter. My letter says, 'It will be to your advantage to be present on this date because a Mr. Zexion will bring to an end a long-standing, confidential, and painful financial liability.' It is signed, 'A friend'."

"I received a similar letter," Roxas admitted.

"So did we, didn't we?" Tifa stated, asking Vexen for confirmation.

"I also received a letter," Zexion stated as Larxene exited the kitchen for the second time. "No thanks, Larxene," he stated as she sat the plate down in front of him. "I just ate."

"Now, how did you know her name?" Roxas asked suspiciously.

"We know each other." Zexion stated. "Don't we, dear?" The tone of his voice caused Larxene to jerk away, but before anything else occurred, Axel broke in.

"Forgive my curiosity, Mr. Zexion, but did your letter say the same thing?"

"No."

"I see," Axel stated before turning his attention back to the neglected guests. "Can I interest any of you in fruit...or desert?" A resounding silence was the answer, but Axel - completely unaffected - soldiered on. "In that case, may I suggest we adjourn to the study for coffee or brandy, at which point I believe our unknown host will reveal his intentions."

~Review~


	2. Intentions & the Body Count Begins

As the guests filed into the study behind Axel, Roxas paused inside the door.

"Well, there's no one here," he stated, as the other guests filed in behind him. Axel paused, turning to face him.

"Please help yourself to brandy and be seated." Saying this, he continued to the far side of the room and stood at the desk where he picked up an envelope labelled "TO AXEL. PLEASE OPEN AFTER DINNER." As Axel dealt with the envelope, the guests arranged themselves on the available seating.

"Mind if I smoke?" Tifa asked, offering a cigarette to Xigbar, who held his hand up to decline. Tifa pulled a cigarette from her case and Vexen lit a match, lighting Tifa's cigarette before attending to his pipe. Axel ignored the proceedings, slitting open the letter with a letter opener before perusing the contents. The guests waited anxiously to hear what he would say.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Axel began, "I'm instructed to explain to you what you all have in common with each other. Un-" he caught off, turning to address Zexion - who was seated in the chair right next to the door. "Unless you would care to do the honors, Mr. Zexion?"

"Why me?" he asked coldly. "Do they know who I am?"

"I don't think so," Axel responded. "You never identified yourself for them, I believe."

"It's a hoax." Zexion stated, raising himself out of his chair. "I suggest we all leave." He turned and began to exit the study.

"I'm sorry, sir, you cannot leave this house!" Axel's voice continued to raise throughout the sentence, until he ended with a shout. He moved from behind the desk, chasing Zexion out into the hallway.

"No?" Zexion asked, amused. "Who's going to stop me?" he asked, reaching the front door. Axel stood in the hallway behind him, his hands clasped, as the rest of the guests gathered in the study doorway to watch the proceedings.

"There's no way out!" Axel explained. "All the windows have bars, all the doors are locked.

"This is an outrage!" Zexion argued. "You can't hold us prisoner!" The other guests began shouting, not happy with the revelation that they had no way of leaving the mansion.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please!" Axel shouted above the din. "Please return to the study; everything will be explained." The guests reluctantly returned to their previous seats, but Zexion bypasses the door, continuing further into the hallway. "You too, Mr. Zexion! Other way!" Axel shouted, as the man began to run.

* * *

Turning into the last door on the right side of the hallway, Zexion enters a completely dark room. The dim light pouring in from the hall is enough to see plants scattered around the room, and the clear glass shows the pouring rain. The room is a conservatory. Zexion quickly crosses the room and is bending to pick up a pot when Axel slides into the room.

"You can't get out that way." he states easily.

"Why not?" Zexion challenges. "It's only glass. He raises his arm, preparing to throw the flower part when a Doberman jumps against the glass, barking and snarling. Zexion drops the flower pot as Axel straightens his waistcoat, a smug smile on his face.

* * *

Back in the study, Larxene serves brandy to the other guests. Vexen grabs a glass off her tray, and she winds her way to Roxas and Xigbar. Xigbar grabs a glass and she moves on. Yuffie declines a glass and Larxene moves quickly past Fuu. At this point, Axel and Zexion return to the study. Tifa grabs her glass of brandy as Axel reaches his place at the desk.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing. You're all being blackmailed." Vexen let a puff of smoke escape his pipe as he took in this news. "For some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford and, in some cases, _more_ than you can afford to someone who threatens to expose you. And none of you know who's blackmailing you, do you?" He finished, both hands placed on the desk.

"Oh, _please_," Yuffie exclaimed, "I've never heard anything so ridiculous. I mean, nobody could blackmail me. My life is an open book - I've never done anything wrong," she stated, taking a drag of her cigarette.

"Anybody else wish to deny it?" Axel asked the silent room. The guests remained silent, surreptitiously eying each other. "Very well," Axel continued. "As everyone here is in the same boat, there's no harm in my revealing some details," he stated as he walked around to the front of the desk. "And my instructions are to do so," he stated, leaning against the furniture. "Thank you, Larxene." He stated, his tone clearly dismissing the maid. Larxene, displeasure clear on her face, exited the room.

"Don't you think you might spare us this humiliation?" Fuu asked tearfully. Axel raised his gaze from the notes he had been re-reading.

"I'm sorry," he stated, before standing and moving toward the fireplace. "Professor Vexen," he stated, standing before the older gentlemen. "You were once a professor of psychiatry, specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur."

"Yes," Vexen agreed, removing his pipe from his mouth. "But now I work for the United Nations."

"I see," Axel stated drily, "so your work has not changed. But you don't practice medicine at the U.N. In fact," he addressed the room, "his license to practice has been lifted. Correct?"

"Why?" Tifa asked, clearly interested. "What did he do?"

"You know what doctor's aren't allowed to do with their lady patients?"

"Yeeaah?" she egged Axel on.

"Well, he did." Tifa let out a short laugh.

"Oh, how disgusting," Yuffie stated from her seat on the couch.

"Are you making moral judgments, Mrs. Yuffie?" Axel asked, crossing the room to where she sat. "How then do you justify taking bribes," he asked, sitting on the seat next to her, "in return for delivering your husband's, Senator Yuffie's, vote to certain lobbyists."

"My husband is a paid consultant!" Yuffie shouted. "There's nothing wrong with that!"

"Not if it's publicly declared, perhaps." Axel stated. "But if the payment is delivered by slipping used greenbacks under the door of the men's room, how would you describe _that_ transaction?" he challenged, as Tifa moved behind the back of the couch.

"I'd say it stinks," Tifa responded, leaning over the couch to look at Yuffie.

"Well, how would you know? When were you in that men's room?" Yuffie bit out.

"So it's true?" Vexen asked.

"No! It's a vicious lie!" Yuffie shouted, standing before falling back into her seat.

"I'm sure we're all glad to hear that," Axel stated drily. "But you've been paying blackmail for over a year now to keep that story out of the papers." Yuffie stood, quickly moving away from the butler and to the corner of the room.

"Well, I'm willing to believe you," Fuu stated to Yuffie as Yuffie passed her chair. "I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do."

"Me too," agreed Roxas.

"And me," stated Xigbar.

"Not me," Tifa responded with a grin.

"You're not being blackmailed?" Axel asked, confusion written on his face.

"Oooh, I'm being blackmailed, alright." She stated. "But I _did_ what I'm being blackmailed for." Vexen stared at her before removing his pipe from his mouth.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"Well, to be perfectly frank," she responded as she pulled herself up to sit on the surface of the desk, "I run a specialized hotel and telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady...for a short while."

"Oh, yeah?" Vexen asked, placing his brandy glass on the mantle of the fireplace. "What's the phone number?" he asked, pulling a pen and paper from his pocket.

"So, how did you know Colonel Xigbar works in Washington?" Roxas asked. "Is he one of your clients?"

"Certainly not!" Xigbar stated, rising from his seat next to Roxas. Placing his glass on the table, he quickly crossed to where Tifa sat on the desk.

"I was asking Ms. Tifa!" Roxas stated.

"Well you tell him it's not true!" Xigbar shouted at Tifa.

"It's not true," she responded dutifully.

"Is that true?" Xigbar asked her.

"No, it's not true," she responded, a small smile on her lips.

"Ha-hah, so it _is_ true!" Roxas shouted triumphantly, standing from his seat.

"A double negative!" Axel stated, standing and walking to where the guests were congregating around the desk.

"A double negative? You mean you have -" he lowered his voice to a whisper, "- photographs?" Tifa nodded and mouthed 'yes' at him.

"That sounds like a confession to me," Axel stated, turning to address Xigbar. "In fact, the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away."

"Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?" Xigbar demanded.

"You don't need any help from _me_, sir," Axel responded.

"That's right!" Xigbar stated emphatically.

"But, seriously," Vexen interrupted. "I don't see what's so terrible about Colonel Xigbar visiting a house of ill fame." He placed his hand on Tifa's knee. "Most soldiers do, don't they?" Tifa let out a disgusted chuckle, grabbing Vexen's hand off of her knee.

"Oh, please," she stated, and Vexen moved away.

"But he holds a sensitive security post in the pentagon." Axel explained. "And, Colonel, you drive a very expensive car for someone who lives on a Colonel's pay," he accused.

"I don't, I came into money during the war when I lost my mommy and daddy." Xigbar stated, moving to sit back down and leaving Axel with a confused look on his face.

"Mrs. Fuu," Axel stated, whirling around to face the woman he had addressed. "You've been paying our friend the blackmailer ever since your husband died under, shall we say, 'mysterious' circumstances." Tifa let out a laugh.

"_Why_ is that funny?" Fuu asked.

"I see, that's why he was lying on his back. In his coffin." Tifa explained.

"I didn't kill him." Fuu stated.

"Then why are you paying the blackmailer?" Xigbar asked.

"I don't want a scandal, do I?" Fuu asked. "We had had a very humiliating confrontation," she explained. "He was deranged, he was," here she raised her hand to her head, "lunatic. He didn't seem to actually like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public."

"Why would he want to kill you in public?" Tifa asked.

"I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her." Axel explained. Tifa blinked.

"Oh," she stated. "And was that his final word on the matter?"

"Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?" Fuu all but growled.

"And yet he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. Fuu, not you." Axel accused.

"What did he do for a living?" Tifa asked, taking a drag of her cigarette.

"He was a scientists. Nuclear physics." Fuu responded.

"What was he like?" Tifa pressed. Fuu looked away, gathering her answer.

"He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great _shock_ to him when he died. But he was found dead at home - his head had been cut off and, uh, so had his - " she motioned to her lap, "- _you know_." Roxas, Xigbar and Vexen all crossed their legs at the same time, signifying that, yes, they did indeed _know_. "I had been out all evening, at the movies." Fuu continued.

"Do you _miss him_?" Tifa asked.

"Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life."

"But he was your second husband." Axel stated. "Your first husband _also_ disappeared."

"But that was his job." Fuu explained. "He was an illusionist."

"But he never _re_-appeared." Axel argued. Fuu let out a short laugh.

"He wasn't a very good illusionist." Roxas cleared his throat before standing. The other guests turned their attention to him.

"I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Axel here to unmask me. I work for the State Department and...I'm a homosexual." Here he paused. Axel's eyes widened as he shuffled his paper, but no one issued forth a comment. "I feel no personal shame or guilt about this. But I must keep it a secret or I will lose my job on security grounds." He paused again, but no one said anything. "Thank you," he stated awkwardly before sitting. He glanced at Vexen, who was sitting next to him, and the man quickly vacated his seat.

"Well," Vexen stated, moving to stand before Zexion. "That just leaves Mr. Zexion." The man mentioned had been examining his fingernails with a bored expression on his face.

"What's your little secret?" Tifa asked, picking the glass ashtray off the table and tapping her cigarette in it.

"His secret? Oh, haven't you guessed?" Axel asked. "He's the one who's blackmailing you all." A smug smile crossed the man's face, and Xigbar leapt from the couch.

"You bastard!" he shouted. "Put 'em up. Put 'em up, pal." Zexion stood from his chair and approached the irate Colonel. Instead of swinging, he stamped on Xigbar's foot before poking him in both his eyes. As Xigbar fell to the ground, Zexion fell on top of him, punching him in the face.

"Gentlemen," Roxas called, grabbing Zexion's right arm and helping Vexen drag him away.

"If you can't fight fairly, don't fight at all," Xigbar complained as Yuffie helped him off the floor.

"Nobody calls me a bastard!" Zexion shouted at Xigbar. Anything that might have been said further was cut off as Fuu sedately approached the captive man and kneed him in the groin.

"Was that necessary, Mrs. Fuu?" Roxas asked, annoyed as the other guests cheered.

"Wait! Wait!" Axel called, trying to reign in the rowdiness. "The police are coming!" The guests left the injured Zexion on the floor as the crowded around the butler, all of them clamoring and shouting that they couldn't deal with the police. "Listen!" Axel shouted, quieting them down. "Blackmail depends on secrecy. You've all admitted how he's been able to blackmail you; all you have to do is tell the police, he'll be convicted, and your troubles will be over."

"It's not so easy," Zexion stated, using one of the study chairs to help himself stand. "You'll never tell the police," he stated to the other guests.

"Then I shall," Axel stated. "I have evidence in my position, and this conversation is being tape-recorded."

"Point of order, tape-recordings are not admissible evidence!" Roxas stated. The other guests began clamoring again, but Axel shouted above them all.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the police will be here in about," he paused to check his watch, "forty-five minutes. Tell them the truth, and Mr. Zexion will be behind bars." Zexion smirked smugly, pushing his way through the crowd of other guests. "Where are you going this time?" Axel demanded as the other man passed.

"I think I can help them make up their minds," he stated. "Can I just get my little bag from the hall?" he asked, already exiting the room. He quickly re-entered the study and placed his briefcase on the table. "Who can guess what's in here, eh?" he asked, opening the lid.

"The evidence against us, no doubt." Fuu answered angrily as the guests moved in an arc around the briefcase. Zexion merely chuckled as he began passing out boxes wrapped as presents.

"We didn't know we were meeting you tonight," Tifa stated, taking one of the boxes. "Did you know you were meeting us?" she demanded. Zexion nodded, continuing to pass out boxes.

"Oh, yes," he answered.

"What were you told precisely?" Fuu asked, holding her box.

"Merely that you were all meeting to discuss our little...financial arrangements. And if I did not appear, Axel would be informing the police about it all. Naturally, I could hardly resist putting in an appearance. Excuse me," he stated, moving past Vexen to the table holding the drinks. As he saw the other guests standing their dumbly with their boxes, he stated, "Open them."

"Why not?" Tifa asked, moving to resume her spot of sitting on the desk. The other guests dispersed across the room as well. "I enjoy getting presents from strange men." She slipped the ribbon over the present and pulled off the lid. "A candlestick?" she asked, confused. "What's this for?" Seeing what Tifa had gotten, Fuu began unwrapping her present, revealing a rope already tied into a noose. Roxas pulled out a lead pipe, Xigbar a wrench, and Vexen a loaded pistol. As Yuffie pulled out a small knife, Zexion began explaining.

"In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. "If you denounce me to the police," he explained, standing behind the couch and addressing Xigbar and Vexen, "you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court," he stated, moving around the couch and crossing the room to where Tifa sat on the desk. "But, if one of you kills Axel now, no one but the seven of us will ever know." He stepped away from the desk, and headed to where Roxas sat in the chair. "He has the key to the front door. Hmph," and he moved to where Fuu sat on the second couch. "Which he said would only be opened over his dead body." He chuckled, moving to stand in front of the butler. "I suggest we take him up on that offer." He crossed to the doorway, shutting the door before turning around and addressing the group. "The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Axel," he reached out for the light switch. "Now," he stated, flicking off the lights.

As the darkness encompassed the room, a myriad of noises took place. Two thumping noises took place, as if someone had been hit twice with a blunt object and a groan emitted from a person unknown. The pistol went off, and the noise of a vase shattering filled the space. Someone screamed, and Yuffie switched the lights back on, knife still in her hand. Her eyes were immediately riveted to the ground, and the knife fell from her hand in shock. Axel's eyes widened as he noted that the body on the ground was not his own.

"It's not Axel!" Xigbar stated as the guests begin to gather around the body.

"Is he alive?" Fuu asked as Vexen knelt beside the body.

"It's Mr. Zexion," Roxas stated.

"Stand back!" Vexen shouted, and the other guests jumped back. "Give him air! Let me see," he muttered to himself, grabbing Zexion's right wrist and checking the pulse point. After waiting a few moments, he moved forward, checking the pulse point on the neck. "He's dead." Noises of disbelief spread throughout the room.

"Who had the gun?" Fuu asked.

"I did," Vexen stated, standing and moving away from the body.

"Then you shot him!" Yuffie accused, voice shaking.

"I didn't!" Vexen denied.

"Well, you had the gun! If you didn't shoot him, who did?" she demanded. Vexen returned to the body, flipping Zexion from his stomach to his back.

"Nobody! Look, there's no gunshot wound! Somebody tried to grab the gun from me in the dark and the gun went off!" He explained. "Look! The bullet broke that vase on the mantel!" He stood and rushed forward and so did Tifa and Xigbar. As the three of them ran into each other, a cacophony of "Sorry" and "Excuse me" broke forth as each tried to let the others go first. Finally, Vexen took the lead and Xigbar and Tifa followed behind him.

"You're absolutely right! See there's a bullet hole here in the wall! See that?" Xigbar stated, as Vexen leaned against the wall to catch his breath. Roxas grabbed Xigbar's shoulder, propelling himself to the front.

"How did he die?" he demanded.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Vexen shouted. "I am NOT a forensic expert," he informed them, moving back to Zexion's body.

"Well, one of us must have killed him!" Fuu shouted.

"Well, I didn't do it!" Roxas stated, tossing the lead pipe onto the table.

"Oh, I need a drink!" Yuffie shouted, moving to the table by the door. She grabbed Zexion's abandoned glass of cognac, taking a deep sip.

"Maybe he was poisoned!" Vexen shouted. Yuffie looked with horror at the glass in her hand before dropping it and screaming in terror. Roxas shoved Vexen out of the way, grabbing Yuffie around the waist and leading her to the couch. Though he tried to assure her, Yuffie continued screaming. Unable to stop her, Roxas pulled his right hand back and smacked her across the face. Yuffie instantly quieted, and Roxas noticed the look the others were giving him.

"I...I had to stop her screaming." Xigbar rushed forward, grabbing Roxas' arm.

"But was the brandy poisoned?" he demanded.

I...don't know," Roxas stated, looking stunned. The others surged forward to where the glass had fallen on the rug. Xigbar grabbed it from the floor, handing it to Tifa, who held it up so everyone could see that there was no liquid left.

"Looks like we'll never know," she stated.

"Unless..." Roxas stammered nervously, staring at Yuffie who was still sitting in a stunned silence on the couch. "Unless she dies, too." As soon as he finished the statement, Tifa, Fuu, Xigbar and Vexen rushed to the couch, leaning over the back and surrounding Yuffie. They stared intently, waiting to see whether or not she would die in front of them. Before anything could happen, Larxene's scream pierced the air. Everyone stood straight up, gasping in shock. In one movement they rushed for the door, sliding into the hallway before heading for the billiard room.

"It's locked!" Tifa announced, struggling to open the door as Larxene continued her screaming. Xigbar banged his wrench against the door.

"Open up!" he shouted.

"It must be the murderer!" Vexen stated.

"Why would he scream?" Roxas asked.

"He must have a victim in there. Oh my god, Larxene!" Fuu stated, turning back to the door.

"OH MY GOD!" Roxas shouted. Before they could do anything else, the door swung open and they all stumbled into the room.

"You're alive!" Axel stated.

"No thanks to you!" Larxene accused.

"What do you mean?" Axel asked, confused.

"You locked me up with a murderer, you idiot!" she panted.

"So the murderer _is_ in this room," Fuu half-asked, half-stated.

"Mai oui!"

"But _where?_" Roxas asked.

"Where? _Here_!" Larxene stated. Roxas moved toward the door, swinging it shut to see if there was anyone hiding behind it. "We are all looking at him! Or her!" Larxene continued. The guests looked around uncomfortably at each other. "It is what Mrs. Fuu said in the study - one of you is the killer!"

"How did you know we said that?!" Vexen asked.

"I was listening," she stated, nodding with her head toward the tape-recorder.

"But why were you screaming in here...all by yourself?" Fuu asked, moving further into the room.

"Because I am frightened. Me too, I also drink the cognac. Mon diou. I can't stay in here by myself." As Larxene began whimpering, Tifa and Xigbar walked over to her.

"Come back to the study with us," Tifa ordered, taking Larxene by the hand.

"With the murderer?"

"There is safety in numbers, my dear." Xigbar stated. He had been shaking the wrench in his right hand before noticing that the action was less than welcoming. As Tifa led the whimpering maid away, the other guests filed out of the room as well. Axel remained behind, switching off the tape-recorder and grabbing the reels.

* * *

"Is there no indication of how he died?" Roxas asked as they trailed back into the study.

"NO!" Vexen shouted as Axel entered the room.

"This is terrible! This is absolutely terrible! It's not what I had intended!" As if overcome by how absolutely terrible the situation was, Axel fell into the wooden chair by the door. "Oh my god!"

"Not what _you_ intended?" Fuu asked.

"So you're _not_ the butler?" Tifa demanded. Axel looked up from his grief into the crowd of faces clustered inside the door.

"I'm not _the_ butler. But I am _a_ butler," he answered. "In fact, I was _his_ butler," he motioned to the prostrate body on the floor.

"So, if he told you to invite us all to his house, why did he arrive late?" Vexen asked.

"I invited you," Axel admitted. "In fact, I wrote the letters. It was all _my_ idea."

"Wait a minute, I-I-I-I-I-I don't understand." Fuu stated, casually stepping over Zexion's body until she stood in front of Axel. "Why did you invite us here to meet your late employer? Where you assisting him to blackmail us?"

"Certainly NOT!" Axel stated, standing in outrage.

"I think you had better explain!" she stated, glaring up at him. He paused, staring her down before sighing. Turning, he headed toward the desk.

"Please sit down, everyone," he requested. As he walked to the desk, the guests found themselves a seat - all except Roxas, who was continually cut off wherever he tried to sit. Finally, he merely shifted Larxene's serving tray and leaned against the drink table in the corner of the room. "When I said I was Mr. Zexion's butler this was both true and misleading," Axel began, leaning against the front of the desk. "I _was_ once his butler, but it was not his untimely death this evening that brought my employment with him to an end."

"When _did_ it come to an end?" Xigbar inquired.

"When my wife decided to...end her life." Axel answered. "She, too, was being blackmailed by this odious man who now lies dead before us. He hated my wife for the same reason he hated all of you. He believed that you were all thoroughly _un_-American." As Axel finished this statement, the table Roxas had been leaning against gave way beneath his weight, and he fell to the floor. He quickly scrambled to his feet, dusting his suit off as he went.

"Sorry," he apologized. Axel continued as if he hadn't been disturbed.

"For some reason, he felt that it was _inappropriate_ for a Senator to have a corrupt wife, for a doctor to...take advantage of his patients, for a wife to emasculate her husband, and, and...so forth."

"But this is ridiculous!" Roxas interrupted. "If he was such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities?"

"He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money out of it. What could be more American than that?" Several of the guests nodded their agreement to this statement. Vexen pulled his pipe out of his mouth and addressed the young butler.

"And what was your role in all this?"

"I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were...Socialists." Disgusted mutterings erupted around the room, and Axel fought back tears. "Well," he continued, voice wavering. "We all make mistakes." Fuu stood from her seat, unshed tears glistening in her eyes and she moved to Axel's side, handing him her handkerchief. He accepted her offer, dabbing the tears of his face. "But Mr. Zexion threatened to give her name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves! Well, to make a long story short -"

"Too late," interrupted Xigbar. Fuu shot him a nasty look.

"- the suicide of my wife preyed on my mind," Axel continued, either having not heard or completely disregarding Xigbar's interruption, "and created a sense of injustice in me. I resolved to put Mr. Zexion behind bars. It seemed to me the best way to do it, and to free all of you from the same burden of blackmail, was to get everyone face to face, confront Mr. Zexion with his crimes, and then...turn him over to the police."

"So, everything is explained," Vexen stated, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs. Tifa blew out the smoke from her cigarette.

"_Nothing_ is explained. We still don't know who killed him."

"Well, the point is, we've got to find out in the next thirty-nine minutes before the police arrive." Axel stated. Yuffie flew out of her seat at this announcement.

"My GOD, we _can't_ have them come here now!" she argued.

"But..." Roxas asked, pacing the room, "how can we possibly find out which of you did it?"

"What do you mean, 'Which of _you_ did it'?" asked Vexen.

"Well, I didn't do it!" Roxas stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, one of us did." Axel stated, crossing the room. "We all had the opportunity, we all had a motive."

"Great," Tifa stated sarcastically as she stood up. "We'll _all_ go to the chair."

"Maybe it wasn't one of us," Vexen pointed out.

"Well, who else could it have been?" Xigbar asked.

"Who else is in the house?" Vexen countered. Axel and Larxene looked at each other.

"Only the cook." They both stated.

"THE COOK!" Everyone shouted, racing out of the room, down the hall and into the kitchen.

* * *

Roxas entered the room first, the others piling in behind him. He advanced cautiously, helped along by Fuu pushing him in front of her. He stepped down into the actual kitchen itself, looking around him. He examined the table, finding the remnants of dinner, but no cook. He worked his way over into the corner where the pantry and freezer were. Taking a look around the kitchen from this corner, he shoved his hands into his pocket and announced, "Well, she's not here." As if these were the magic words, the door to the freezer creaked open. Tifa screamed as the cook's body fell forward. Roxas instinctually caught her. "I DIDN'T DO IT!" he shouted, falling beneath the weight of the older woman. "Somebody help me, please?" he requested. "Somebody help me, PLEASE?" Tifa rushed over, her heels clicking on the tiled floor as Roxas fell beneath the woman's weight. He slid out from underneath her corpse, leaving her face down on the floor where everyone could clearly see the knife sticking out of her back. Fuu knelt next to the body and reached for the knife.

"Don't touch that!" Xigbar stated, knocking her hand away and grabbing the knife himself. "That's evidence."

"Not for use!" Fuu argued. "We have to find out who did this! We can't take fingerprints." Xigbar stood up.

"I think you'd better explain yourself, Axel."

"Me? Why me?" he asked, confused.

"Who would want to kill the _cook_?" Roxas asked.

"Dinner wasn't _that_ bad," Tifa joked.

"How can you make jokes at a time like this?" Xigbar demanded, whirling on the young woman. Her expression set in stone, Tifa stood from her crouched position.

"It's my defense mechanism," she stated.

"Some defense. If I was the killer, I'd kill _you_ next." Xigbar stated. Fuu and Roxas stood, and together with Tifa they stared at the older man. "I said _if_," Xigbar chuckled nervously, loosening his suit tie. "_If_," he reiterated. "Hey, come on. There is only _one_ admitted killer, here and it is certainly not me, it is her," he stated, pointing at Fuu.

"I've admitted nothing," Fuu stated, backing away from the advancing form of Xigbar.

"Well, you paid the blackmail," he stated. "How man husbands have you had?"

"Mine orr other women's?" Fuu asked.

"Yours."

"Five."

"Five?" Xigbar asked.

"Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong and disposable," she explained.

"You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies!" Xigbar accused.

"Flies are where men are most vulnerable."

"Right!" He stated before realizing what he had agreed with. "Well, if it wasn't you, then who was it?" he asked, trying to save face. "Who had the dagger, anyway? It was _you_, Mrs. Yuffie, wasn't it?"

"Yes, but I put it down!" she stated.

"Where?" Vexen asked.

"In the study."

"When?" he pressed.

"I don't know!" Yuffie shouted, shaking his head at him. "Before I fainted, after I fainted, I don't know! But any of you could have picked it up," she pointed out.

"Hmm," Axel murmured thoughtfully. "Look, I suggest we take the cook's body...into the study."

"Why?" Xigbar asked.

"I'm the butler. I like to keep the kitchen...tidy."

* * *

The pattering of feet sounded down the hallway, accompanied by the occasional groaning noise. The butler and the guests had just reached the doorway of the study when Vexen dropped the right arm of the cook.

"Look!" he shouted, pointing.

"What?" asked Axel and Roxas at the same time.

"The body's gone!" Vexen stated. Xigbar, Roxas and Axel all dropped the body.

"What are you all staring at?" Yuffie asked from behind them.

"Nothing..." Roxas stated.

"Well, who's there?" Yuffie pressed, still not understanding what was going on.

"Nobody." Xigbar stated.

"Nobody. No body, that's what we mean." Axel told them. "Mr. Zexion's body...it's gone."

~Review~


	3. Zexion's Second Death & New Guests

A/N: Well, I just jammed to The Who while dicing chicken for dinner. I am TOTALLY ready to write this chapter! *coughs and looks around awkwardly* Anyway... This chapter is for Dutch1996, who was the first one to leave a comment on this story.

* * *

"Nobody. No body, that's what we mean." Axel told them. "Mr. Zexion's body...it's gone."

"Maybe he wasn't dead," Fuu suggested.

"He was!" Vexen stated adamantly.

"We should have made sure," Fuu argued.

"How?" Yuffie asked, turning to face the other woman. "By cutting off his head, I suppose?" she asked sarcastically.

"That wasn't called for." Fuu stated. Tifa, growing tired of listening to the two bicker, shoved her way through the group.

"Where _is_ he?" she demanded.

"We better look for him," Axel stated, moving into the room. Vexen followed him, and Xigbar and Roxas, looking at each other, dropped the cook's legs at the same time before moving to follow the other men. The women followed behind, stepping over the corpse with some disgust. The eight of them moved about the room, checking under the sofas, chairs and anywhere else they could think of, though it was quite obvious that the body was no longer in the room.

"Well," Roxas stated, pausing suddenly to check under another piece of furniture. "He couldn't have been dead."

"He _was_," Vexen argued, throwing up his hands. "At least...I thought he was. But...what difference does it make now?" he asked, fiddling with his bow tie.

"It makes quite a difference to _him_," Tifa shot back, moving out of Fuu's way as the younger woman checked the drapes. "Maybe there is life after death," she offered, leaning against the desk.

"Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage," Fuu shot back, moving to check another set of drapes.

"Maybe," Roxas began, "Mr. Zexion killed the cook!" Axel gave him a look which clearly screamed 'unimpressed'.

"Yes!" Tifa and Fuu agreed.

"_How_?" Roxas, Tifa and Fuu paused, all three of them trying to imagine a scenario which would work.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I have to, um..." Yuffie interrupted before turning to ask Larxene quietly, "Is there a little girl's room in the hall?"

"Oui, oui, madame," Larxene answered, pointing to the hall.

"No, I just want to powder my nose, thank you," Yuffie answered, heading for the door. Larxene paused, Yuffie's answer sinking in and she shook her head to dispel the idiocy of Yuffie's misunderstanding.

"What's this, Axel?" Tifa asked as Yuffie stepped over the cook's body and headed down the hall. Tifa raised negatives to the light, trying to get a better look at what was on the undeveloped film.

"I'm afraid _those_ are the negatives to which Colonel Xigbar earlier referred." Axel stated, moving towards the desk.

"Oh, my god," Xigbar moaned, leaning against the desk. Tifa grinned, slinking around to the front of the desk.

"Where you planning to blackmail him, Axel?" Tifa asked, again raising the negatives to the light.

"Certainly not!" Axel responded indignantly as Tifa leaned against the front of the desk. "I'd obtained them for the Colonel and was going to give them back as soon as Mr. Zexion was unmasked," he explained as Xigbar tried ineffectually to grab the negatives from Tifa.

"Mmm, very pretty," Tifa commented, moving toward the maid. "Would you like to see these, Larxene? They might shock you," she stated, still holding them just out of reach of Xigbar.

"No, merci." Larxene responded. "I am a lady."

"Oh?" Tifa asked, jerking the negatives away from Xigbar. "How do you know what kind of pictures they are if you're such a _lady_?" Tifa mocked.

"What sort of pictures are they?" Vexen asked.

"They are _my_ pictures and I'd like them back, please," Xigbar stated, reaching for the negatives.

"Noooo, I'm afraid there's something in them which concerns me, too," she stated. Vexen jerked the negatives out of Tifa's hand, raising it to the light to get a better look.

"Let me see," he stated as Fuu came up behind him.

"Oh, my," she stated, looking at the pictures. "Nobody can get into that position."

"Sure they can. Let me show you," Vexen stated, handing the negatives to Tifa before grabbing Fuu and lowering her onto the couch. As he grabbed her left ankle and began to raise it, she protested.

"Get off me!" A scream from the hallway arrested the group's attention, and Xigbar took the opportunity of grabbing the negatives from Tifa's grasp. Tifa, deciding it was better to go help, left Xigbar. Axel grabbed the negatives from Xigbar and placed them on the desk before following the others into the hall. They staggered over the body of the cook (who was still blocking the door) and ran down the hall.

"It's Mr. Zexion!" Axel stated. As they moved further into the hall, they could see that Zexion's arms were wrapped around Yuffie's neck. Yuffie, who was still screaming, was trying to beat him with her purse.

"He's attacking her!" Roxas shouted, running to grab the back of Zexion's jacket, and pulling him off of the young woman. Yuffie quit screaming, leaning against the wall. As Roxas tugged him back, Zexion's arms fell limply to his side, and the guests could clearly make out a head wound and Zexion's unblinking eyes. Vexen grabbed hold of Zexion's right arm and together he and Roxas lowered Zexion's body to the floor.

"No." Fuu stated, kneeling down next to the body. "No, he's dead."

"Mr Zexion?" Axel asked, kneeling beside Fuu. "Dead? _Again_?"

"Oh, my god," Yuffie stated, fanning herself with her purse."

"She's going to faint!" Axel exclaimed, pushing himself off the floor and moving toward the young woman.

"Somebody catch her!" Vexen shouted.

"_I'll_ catch you." Axel stated gallantly, moving around behind her. "Fall into my arms." Yuffie fainted, her body sliding through the circle of Axel's arms and onto the floor. "Sorry," he stated to her unconscious body.

"You've got blood on your hands," Fuu stated, looking warily at Roxas. The blond looked down at his hands, horror growing on his features.

"I...didn't..._do it_!" he exclaimed, grabbing his handkerchief from his breast pocket and wiping the blood away.

"He's got new injuries," Axel stated, moving to kneel by the body once again. He grabbed Zexion's left wrist and raised the arm off the ground. When he let go, the arm fell back to the floor with a 'thunk'. "Well, he's certainly dead _now," _he deadpanned. "Why would anyone want to kill him twice?"

"It seems _so_ unnecessary," Tifa stated, her arms crossed in front of her.

"Well, it's what we call 'overkill'," Xigbar agreed, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets.

"It's what we call 'psychotic'." Vexen stated.

"Unless he wasn't dead before," Roxas stated, still wiping blood of his hands as Axel moved to investigate the bathroom.

"What's the difference?" Vexen asked.

"That's what we're trying to find out!" Axel shouted, standing in the doorway of the restroom. "We're trying to find out who killed him, and where, and with what!"

"There's no need to shout." Vexen shouted.

"I'm not shouting!" Axel responded, shouting even louder. There was a pause as he looked at the guests before staring at Roxas for a moment. "Alright, I _am_. I'm shouting! I'm shouting! I'm shout-" Axel was cut off in his shouting as a candlestick fell on his head. The instrument of Zexion's second death had been balanced on top of the bathroom door. The din caused by Axel's shouting had unbalanced the weapon, and it fell on his head, knocking him to his knees before he fell forward onto the floor.

* * *

The women struggled to drag the heavy body of the cook into the study. The men followed behind them, easily carrying the lighter body of their twice-deceased host. Axel followed behind them all, an ice pack held against his head. The women groaned, happily dropping the cook's body in front of the sofa and standing to stretch their backs.

"Okay, put the corpses on the sofa," Xigbar ordered. An unhappy expression crossed the faces of the women, Tifa in particular shooting Xigbar a nasty look, but they reluctantly complied. "Ladies first," he stated as Tifa and Fuu each grabbed an arm. Vexen helped by grabbing her legs, and Larxene leaned over the back of the couch in order to help pull the body onto the piece of furniture. Xigbar nodded as the cook's body was posed in a sitting position while the women and Vexen panted for breath.

"Careful, don't get blood on the sofa," Axel admonished, ice pack firmly held against his head.

"How do we do this?" Larxene asked, drawing Vexen's attention away from her chest. "The dagger will go further into her back."

"Tip her forward, over the arm." Xigbar explained. The four of them moved to comply. "Now Mr. Zexion." Xigbar, Vexen and Roxas lifted the body, moving it to the couch with much more ease than the women. He landed face first on the sofa, and the men rolled his body. Vexen wound up sitting between the two bodies, his right arm around the corpse of Zexion, and his right arm resting on the backside of the cook. "Now, who -" Xigbar cut himself off, noting that Zexion's eyes were still open. Using his thumb and pointer finger, he closed the lids of the deceased man's eyes. "Who had access to the candlestick?" he continued.

"All of us," Tifa stated, still trying to catch her breath.

"It was given to you," Fuu pointed out.

"Yeah, but I dropped it on the table, anyone could have picked it up. You. Him," she pointed to Xigbar.

"Look," Axel interrupted. "We still have all these weapons. The gun," he stated, picking it up. "The rope," he bent and picked it up. "The wrench," he stated, dumping the gun and rope with it on the cupboard. "The lead pipe," he finished, taking the weapon from Roxas, who had picked it up from the coffee table. "Let's put them all in this cupboard, and lock it," he stated, shoving the menagerie of weapons into the cupboard. "There's a homicidal _maniac_ about," he stated to the group, before turning back to the cupboard, slamming the door shut and locking it. Everyone murmured their agreement.

"What are you doing with the key?" Roxas demanded as he saw Axel slipping it into his coat.

"Putting it in my pocket."

"_Why_?"

"Well, to keep it safe, obviously," Axel responded, straightening his waist jacket.

"That means you can open it whenever you want!" Yuffie shouted, jumping from the chair she had been placed in after her fainting spell.

"But it also means that you can't." Axel pointed out.

"But what if you're the murderer?" Yuffie shrieked.

"I'm not." Axel stated, as if that should put an end to all notions otherwise.

"But what if you _are_?!" Xigbar demanded as he angrily stalked across the room to stand in front of Axel.

"Well, it's got to be put somewhere," Axel pointed out. "If I've got it, I know I'm safe."

"We don't know that we are!" Yuffie argued.

"I've an idea," Axel stated, clapping his hands before exiting the study. "We'll throw it away."

"Good idea," Xigbar stated, following him out into the hall. The others all voiced their agreement, quickly following after to make sure that the key was actually thrown away. Axel ran to the door, the others in a group behind him. Whipping open the door, Axel raised his right arm to throw the key. A sodden gentleman stood on the porch and quickly ducked on seeing Axel's raised arm. Axel, a look of undisguised shock on his face, quickly dropped his arm, grabbing the key in both hands as the others formed in a semi-circle behind him.

"Sorry," Axel apologized, still not over the shock of another person on the porch. "Sorry," he apologized again, adding a small chuckle at the end. The rest of the group stood behind him, staring at the newcomer. "Uh, can we help?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb the whole household," the stranger stated, motioning to the group. "But...my car broke down out here and I was wondering if I could use your phone." A pause took place before Axel took control of the situation.

"Just a moment, please," he stated, eying the motorist. At the motorist's shrug, he slowly turned back to the group, placing the key to the cupboard back into his pocket. A rush of indistinct whispering took place, and the motorist waited to hear what was decided, confusion evident on his face. The whispering stopped, and the group turned back to the motorist in a single fluid motion, smiles plastered onto their faces. "Very well, sir. Would you care to come in?" Inquired Axel, motioning the man in with his right hand. The motorist smiled, stepping through the door, but stopping just inside.

"Well," he asked. "Where is it?"

"What, the body?" Axel asked.

"The phone." The motorists explained. "What body?!" he asked, his head whipping to the right to address Axel.

"Well, there's no body." Axel stuttered. "There's nobody. There's nobody in the study."

"NO!" The guests shouted. The motorist looked between Axel and the guests, trying to figure out what was going on.

"But I think there's a phone in the lounge." Axel stated, easy manners back in place after the first confusion.

"Thank you," the motorist stated as Axel shut the front door. Walking down the hall, Axel nervously led the motorist into the lounge, stopping when he was by the requested telephone.

"When you've finished your call, perhaps you'll be good enough to wait here." Axel stated more than asked.

"Certainly," the motorist answered warily. Axel gave a small smirk before exiting the lounge, shutting and locking the door after him. As he finished locking the door he was tapped on the shoulder and he whirled around, letting out a small yell before noticing that it was just Xigbar.

"Where's the key?" Xigbar demanded.

"In my pocket," Axel stated shortly, trying to catch his breath.

"Not that key, the key to the cupboard, with the weapons!" Vexen explained.

"Do you still wish me to throw it away?" Axel demanded.

"YES!" Everyone shouted. Axel went back to the front door, opening it and slipping out onto the porch. Standing at the edge of the porch, he chucked the key as hard as he could before turning around. Catching Fuu's arm (she had been attempting to sneak past) he ushered her back inside, where he locked the front door behind him.

"Well," he asked, stepping down into the hall. "What now?"

"Axel, let me out." Fuu demanded, holding her hand out for the key.

"No."

"Why not?" she demanded.

"We've got to know who did this. We're all in this together now." Axel stated.

"If you leave, I'll say that you killed them _both_." Yuffie threatened.

"Me, too," the others stated.

"Oh, Axel," Fuu stated, turning back around to face him and grabbing hold of his tie. "I'll make you sorry you ever started this. One day...when we're alone together..." she threatened.

"Mrs. Fuu," Axel interrupted, "no man in his right mind would be alone together with you."

"Well, I could use a drink." Xigbar interrupted. Everyone voiced their agreement, following Xigbar down the hall. The man stopped at the study door, glancing in briefly. "Just checking."

"Everything alright?" Yuffie inquired.

"Yep, two corpses. Everything's fine."

* * *

"Anybody else want a whiskey?" Xigbar asked, pouring himself a glass in the library.

"Yeah." Tifa stated, standing next to him. Xigbar poured three glasses at once, sloshing a good majority of the whiskey onto the table.

"Alright, look. Pay attention, everybody," Xigbar stated. "Axel," he moved to stand in front of the butler. "Am I right in thinking there is nobody else in this house?" Axel paused to think a moment.

"Mm, no."

"So there IS someone else in this house?" Xigbar asked.

"No, sorry. I said 'no' meaning 'yes'." Axel responded.

"'No' meaning 'yes'? Look, I want a straight answer. Is there someone else or isn't there? Yes or no?" Axel paused, looking confused.

"Umm, no," he answered.

"No there IS? Or no there ISN'T?" Xigbar pressed.

"Yes," Axel answered. Fuu, who had been watching the two with the intensity of someone watching a tennis match, shattered her glass on the fireplace mantel, screaming.

"PLEASE!" she screamed in exasperation. "Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here?" she demanded, chucking what was left of her glass onto the carpet.

"Yeah!" Tifa agreed.

"How can we throw him outside in this weather?" Vexen demanded, leaving his place by Tifa and crossing the room to Fuu.

"If we let him stay in the house, he _may_ get suspicious!" Tifa argued, following the man across the room.

"If we throw him out, he may get even _more_ suspicious!" Vexen countered.

"If I were him, I'd be suspicious already," Xigbar stated easily.

"Oh, who cares?" Yuffie cried. "That guy doesn't matter. Let him stay, locked up, for another half an hour." She argued, moving toward the library door. "The police will be here by then and there are two dead bodies in the study!"

"Ssshhh!" The other guests motioned for her to keep her voice down.

"Well there is still some confusion as to whether or not there's anybody else in this house!" Xigbar stated, trying to regain control of the situation.

"I told you there isn't!" Axel stated.

"There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else in the house?" Xigbar asked.

"Either. Or both." Axel stated.

"Just give me a clear answer!" Xigbar demanded.

"Certainly! What was the question?"

"IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE IN THE HOUSE?!"

"NO!" Everyone yelled.

"That's what he says, but does he know?" Xigbar asked. "I suggest we handle this in proper military fashion. We split up and search the house."

"Split up?" Yuffie cried.

"Yes." Xigbar stated, checking his watch. "We have very little time left, so we'll split up into pairs."

"Pairs?" questioned Vexen.

"Yes." Xigbar agreed.

"Wait a minute, suppose that one of us IS the murderer? If we split up into pairs, whichever one of us is left with a killer might get killed!"

"Then we would have discovered who the murderer is!" Xigbar stated, unperturbed by this statement.

"But the other half of the pair would be dead!" Yuffie complained.

"This is war, Yuffie! Casualties are inevitable. You cannot make an omelet without breaking eggs; every cook will tell you that!"

"But look what happened to the cook!" Yuffie screamed.

"Colonel, are _you_ willing to take that chance," Roxas asked.

"What choice have we?" Xigbar demanded.

"None," Tifa agreed reluctantly.

"I suppose you're right," Roxas stated.

"Bon decor," stated Larxene. "But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?"

"I will," Vexen offered.

"I will," Xigbar stated.

"No, thank you," Roxas declined, turning away.

"I suggest we all draw lots," Axel stated, moving to grab matchsticks from the fireplace. "For partners." Grabbing a handful, he motioned for the others to follow him.

* * *

Grabbing a butcher knife, Axel cut four pairs of matches at varying length before gathering him into his hands. "Ready?" he asked, turning back to the group. "The two shortest together, the next two shortest together. Agreed?" When no one objected he continued. "And I suggest the two shortest search the cellar, and so on, up." The guests nodded their agreement, moving forward and drawing their matchsticks. Xigbar is paired with Tifa, much to Tifa's disgust. Roxas drew Larxene as a partner, while Fuu was paired with Axel. Noticing that everyone else is paired, Vexen made his way to Yuffie.

"It's you and me, honey bunch."

"Oh god," Yuffie muttered in disgust.

* * *

The guests filed out of the kitchen, Axel leading the way. Fuu followed him up the stairs while Roxas and Larxene trailed behind him. Pausing halfway up the steps, Axel pointed to a door next to the staircase. "The cellar." Vexen and Yuffie made their way to the door, and Axel continued to lead his group up the stair. Xigbar and Tifa stood in the middle of the hall, debating on where they should begin their search.

"Well, we know what's in the study. We just came from the library, and the stranger's locked up in the lounge," Xigbar announced.

"Let's go look in the billiard room again," Tifa responded. The two of them cast wary looks at each other before heading for the billiard room.

* * *

On the second floor, Axel peered over the bannister, making sure that the others were doing their parts properly. Walking further, he motioned to Roxas and Larxene where the door to the attic was before continuing on his way, making sure to keep one eye on Fuu. He hadn't forgotten her earlier threat.

Roxas lead the way to the attic staircase, reaching out blindly to try and find the light switch. Both Larxene and Roxas, Larxene still holding her matchstick, stood at the foot of the steps.

"You want to go up in front of me?" Roxas offered.

"Absolutely no."

"I'm sure there's no one up there," he assured her.

"Then you go in front."

"Alright," he agreed amicably. He didn't move.

* * *

Vexen and Yuffie inched around the corner until they stood at the top of the cellar steps.

"Well," Vexen sighed. "Ladies first."

"No, no, you can go- You can go first." Yuffie stated, gesturing for Vexen to go ahead.

"No, no, no. I _insist_." Vexen argued.

"No, I insist." Yuffie responded.

"Well, what are you afraid of? A fate worse then death?" Vexen asked.

"No, just death. Isn't that enough?" she asked.

* * *

On the second floor, Axel and Fuu both stood outside of rooms. Axel stood with his hands braced on either side of the doorway, peering in. Fuu stood with her left side towards the room, half looking in and half keeping an eye on the butler.

"Are you going in there?" Axel asked.

"Yes, are you?" Fuu asked.

"Yes." Neither of them moved and Axel swallowed nervously. "Alright."

"Right," Fuu agreed. Both turned back to their rooms, but neither crossed the doorway.

"Um, I don't see any light switches...in there." Axel trailed off.

"Neither do I, but there must be...switches somewhere." Fuu responded.

"Shall I come in with you?" he asked.

"NO! I mean," Fuu said, recovering herself, "no, thank you." Both turned back to their rooms again and progressed all of two steps, before jumping back into the hallway to spy on the other. Since they did it at the same time, the only thing they succeeded in doing was staring stupidly at each other.

* * *

Tifa and Xigbar finished examining behind the bar in the billiard room. The stood up facing each other and Tifa let out a sigh as Xigbar tugged his jacket down.

"Ladies first," he stated, motioning to the entrance of the bar.

"No thanks," Tifa stated, making a face at him, but moved to exit anyway. Hearing her refusal of his offer Xigbar moved as well, and the two wound up pinned. Pulling against the bar and pushing against each other, they managed to get themselves unstuck. Moving into the middle of the room, Tifa smoothed her gown while Xigbar straightened his tie and tugged his jacket down again. Seeing Xigbar grab a pool stick, Tifa gasped. She eyed him warily, crouching down and watching his movements. When she noticed that he had moved to the pool table, she breathed a sigh of relief and followed his instruction to check under the pool table. Both knelt, but there was nothing there.

* * *

Back in the attic, neither Roxas nor Larxene had moved.

"Go on," Larxene nudged him. "I'll be right behind you."

"That's why I'm nervous."

"Then we go together," she stated. Roxas nodded once in agreement. They both advanced, the narrowing staircase making it progressively more difficult.

* * *

In the cellar, Yuffie had just reached the light switch. As she flicked the light on, Vexen slipped on the stairs. Yuffie ran down the rest of the steps before whirling around. "Stay there!" she ordered. Vexen sat up before finding his feet and standing.

* * *

In the hallway, Xigbar wrenched open a door and Tifa jumped to the side. As the door was fully opened both of them looked in the closet, but again, there was nothing.

* * *

On the second floor, Axel was searching his room. Having been unable to find the light switch, the room was still dark.

"If there's anybody in here, just look out!" he yelled. Next door, Fuu was searching her room. It was dark as well.

"Are you hiding?" she asked nervously. I'm coming!"

* * *

On the ground floor Tifa and Xigbar opened another door. They peered in, but saw nothing in the darkness.

"What room is this?" Xigbar asked.

"Search me," Tifa answered.

"Alright," Xigbar grabbed her by the shoulders and began patting down her body.

"Get your mitts off me," Tifa growled.

* * *

In the cellar, Yuffie screamed as she heard a squeaking rat. The rat, frightened by Yuffie's screaming, disappeared. Yuffie, who had run into a cobweb, proceeded to spend a good five minutes trying to figure out how to get the cobweb to let go of her. Meanwhile Vexen proceeded to actually search the cellar.

* * *

On the ground floor, Xigbar and Tifa had made their way to the ballroom. The room, which was sparsely furnished, was empty.

"Nobody here," Xigbar announced redundantly.

"Unless he's behind one of those curtains," Tifa stated, pointing across the room.

"You look, I'll search the kitchen," Xigbar stated, exiting the room. Tifa shot him a look of disbelief before nervously making her way across the room. Halfway across she froze as she noticed the curtains moving. A scream lodged in her throat, but she took a steadying breath and continued to move forward. Reaching the window she lunged and pushed the right curtain to the side. She sighed in relief and disappointment when she saw the the movement was caused by a broken window.

* * *

A car pulls over to the side of a road, and a police officer gets out of the car to inspect an abandoned vehicle.

Meanwhile, someone is combing through the evidence in the study before throwing the pictures, letters and the tape-recordings into the fire. They move to the cupboard, unlocking the door with a key.

Back at the abandoned car, the police officer is attempting to find out whether anyone is still inside the vehicle.

In the lounge, the motorist is talking on the phone. "I'm a little nervous." Looking in the reflection of the mirror, the fireplace begins to swing open. "I'm in this big house, and I've been locked into the lounge." The motorist pauses. "Yes," he answers. "The funny thing is," he continues, "there's a whole group of people here having some sort of party. And one of them is my old boss from-" the motorist cut off, struck in the head by the wrench. The phone drops to the ground, followed shortly by the body of the motorist. The killer hangs up the phone.

* * *

A light switch was flicked on, and Xigbar and Tifa found themselves in the conservatory. They entered, and Tifa moved along the right wall as Xigbar moved along the left. Xigbar inspected the gardener's shelves, not finding anything. He picked up a discarded cloth and usee it to wipe the dirt of his hands. As Tifa looked at him, he leaned against the wall, falling backwards and revealing a hidden passageway.

"Looks like a secret passage." Redundancy, thy name is Xigbar.

"Should we see where it leads?" Tifa asked, moving to stand next to him.

"What the hell," he stated, picking up the flashlight from the shelf. "I'll go first, I've had a good life." Following the passageway, with a few trips and exclamations from Tifa, they exited through the fireplace of the lounge - still left open from the killer before them.

"Oh my god!" Tifa cried, catching sight of the dead motorist. At her exclamation the fireplace slid shut, trapping them in the lounge with no way out. Tifa began shrieking uncontrollably, notifying the others that something was amiss. Both she and Xigbar raced to the locked doors, trying to break them down. Larxene and Roxas raced down from the attic, colliding with Axel and Fuu, who had raced out of their respective bedrooms. The four fell to the floor, quickly scrambling back up and racing down the stairs.

"Where's it coming from?" Axel asked, halfway down the stairs.

"Where are we going?" Roxas asked, following the red-head. The four of them reach the ground floor just as Vexen and Yuffie come up from the cellar.

"Where are they?" Fuu asked.

"The lounge!" Axel shouted, pointing to his left with both hands. All six of them race to the door, Vexen, Roxas and Axel all trying to open the door.

"The door's locked!" Vexen shouted.

"I know that!" Roxas snapped impatiently.

"Then unlock it!" Vexen ordered.

"Where's the key?" Roxas demanded. Axel searched his pockets quickly.

"The key's gone!"

"Never mind about the key, unlock the door!" Vexen shouted, hitting Roxas in the shoulder. Roxas grabbed the lapels of Vexen's jacket, shaking him.

"I CAN'T unlock the DOOR without the KEY!" he shouted, releasing Vexen in order to turn around and bang on the door. "Let us in! Let us in!"

"Let us out! Let us out!" Tifa and Xigbar screamed.

"It's no good. Stand back!" Axel ordered, crossing the hall. "There's no alternative. I'm just going to have to break it down," he stated, running full speed across the hall and hitting the lounge door. He fell to the ground, the lounge door still locked. As Axel clutched his arm in pain, Larxene took the moment to think.

"I know! I have it!" she cried, rushing into the study. Tifa and Xigbar still banged on the door, shouting.

"Will you shut up? We're doing our best!" Yuffie shouted. Larxene grabbed the gun from the cupboard, racing out of the study. She tripped on Axel, who had still been laying on the floor. The gun goes off, hitting the chandelier. Roxas and Vexen dove for the ground as Yuffie and Fuu screamed and grabbed onto each other.

In the study, Tifa latched on to Xigbar, who crouched down on the ground.

"They're shooting at us!" Larxene climbed to her feet as Tifa continued screaming. Vexen and Roxas were preparing to stand when they noticed the maid taking aim and decided to remain on the floor. Larxene fired twice at the door. "I've been shot. I've been shot!" Xigbar cried, clutching his shoulder.

"Come out! The door is open!" Larxene called. Xigbar barged through the door as Roxas and Vexen stood up. As Tifa followed Xigbar through the door, Vexen and Roxas ran out of Larxene's way.

"Why are you shooting that thing at us?" Xigbar demanded, advancing on the maid.

"To get you out."

"You know you could have killed us?" he asked. "I could have been killed! I can't take anymore scares," he stated, turning and walking away. At that moment, the chandelier's rope snapped and the chandelier crashed to the ground where Xigbar had been standing. Tifa screamed, and Xigbar fell onto the padded bench in the hall.

"But look!" Tifa cried, recovering first. The guests rushed into the lounge, noticing the dead motorist for the first time.

"Which one of you did it?" demanded Yuffie.

"We _found_ him. Together." Tifa explained.

"How did you get in?" Fuu asked, confused.

"The door was locked!" Roxas cried.

"It's a great trick!" Fuu exclaimed.

"There's a secret passageway from the conservatory," Tifa explained.

"Is that the same gun?" Vexen asked Larxene, noticing the gun in her hand.

"From the cupboard?" Yuffie asked.

"But it was locked!" Vexen stated.

"No, it was unlocked," Larxene stated.

"Unlocked?!" Roxas, Vexen and Axel asked.

"But yes, see for yourself," she stated, and all eight of them rushed into the study, the gun getting dropped under the broken chandelier in their haste. Larxene reached the study first, pointing at the open cupboard as Axel and the guests fell in after her.

"How did you know that it was unlocked? How did you know that you could get at the gun?" Yuffie demanded.

"I didn't!" Larxene cried. "I think that I would break it open...but it was open already."

"A likely story." Yuffie stated skeptically, addressing Vexen. Before anyone could say anything else, the front door rang. A hush fell over the group of eight.

"Maybe they'll just go away." Tifa said hopefully. They stood in silence, waiting. As their hopes began to lift, the doorbell rang again.

"I'm going to open it," Roxas stated.

"WHY?!" Tifa demanded.

"I have nothing to hide! I...didn't...do it! The key," he demanded, holding his hand out to Axel. The red-head stared at Roxas' hand for a moment, undecided about what to do. After a few moments' hesitation, he placed the key in the blond's hand. "Thank-you," he stated, cutting through the group and heading for the front door. The group followed nervously behind him. Roxas unlocked the front door, swung it open -

"Good evening, sir," greeted the police officer

- and promptly shut it again.

~Review


	4. This Is Getting Serious

A/N: Well, here's the next chapter. I'd apologize for taking so long, but I was sick. Can't exactly apologize for that. This chapter's shorter than the others, but we're nearing the end of the movie, folks! There will only be one more chapter after this. That being said, read on!

* * *

Roxas unlocked the front door, swung it open -

"Good evening, sir," greeted the police officer

- and promptly shut it again. The door swung back open and Roxas smiled warily.

"Yes?" he asked, voice cracking.

"I found an abandoned car down near the gates of this house. Did the driver come in here for any help, by any chance?"

"No, no, no, no," the guests responded. Roxas stood with his mouth open, seemingly undecided about what to do. He made his decision as the other guests quieted down.

"Well, actually, yes," he stated.

"No!" the other guests stated, looking at the small blond. Roxas looked over his shoulder, shooting the other guests a nasty look.

"There seems to be some kind of disagreement," the officer stated, looking around at all of the guests.

"No, no, uhn-uhn," everyone stated (except Roxas).

"Yes," he stated, looking straight into the officer's face.

"Uh, could I come in and use your phone?" the officer asked. Roxas opened his mouth, but didn't answer. Axel pushed his way to the front door.

"Of _course_ you may, sir. You may use the one in the," he motioned with his arm, "um, no... Uh, you could use the one in the stu-" he cut of. "No. Would you be kind enough to wait in the, um, in, in the, uh, in the library?" he asked, gesturing with both his arms.

"Sure," the officer agreed quietly. The officer seemed totally caught off guard and didn't seem to know what to make of the group in front of him. He stepped into the house, pausing as he stepped down into the hall. "Don't I know you from someplace?" he asked, pointing at Larxene. Larxene threw her hands up in a shrug. "You all seem to be very anxious about something."

"Oh, yes, the chandelier," Axel stated, pointing at the ceiling. "It fell down, nearly killed us. Would you like to come this way please, sir?" Axel asked, leading the cop by the arm. Tifa squeezed past the two men, running to the study and slamming the door shut. The two men whirled around to face the noise. Tifa grinned, leaning her right arm against the doorway, her left hand resting against her hip. During that time, Vexen had made his way to the lounge, slamming the door shut as well. Axel and the cop whirled finding Vexen leaning his back against the door and nonchalantly smoking his pipe. "Frightfully drafty, these old houses," Axel covered, continuing to lead the cop to the library. "Please help yourself to a drink, if you'd like," he stated as the cop entered the room. "Not the cognac, just in case," he stated, shutting the doors as he exited the room.

"Just in case of what?" he asked, setting the bottle down. His only response was the locking of the library doors. Axel turned his back on the doors, cautiously rejoining the rest of the party.

"What now?" he whispered anxiously. Their attention was distracted as they listened to the cop testing the lock on the library door.

"We should have told him," Roxas stated.

"Oh, very well for you to say that now," Yuffie muttered.

"I said it then!" Roxas argued.

"Oh, shut up!" Everyone shouted at him.

"Let's clean this up," Axel directed, grabbing the fallen chandelier.

Back in the library the officer had given up trying to get the doors open. He moved back to the desk and as his hand reached for the phone, it rang. The officer jumped before catching his breath and picking up the receiver.

"Hello?" he asked.

In the hallway, the guests had frozen in their clean-up efforts. Every eye was riveted to the door of the library. "Maybe the cop answered it," Axel stated.

"And who shall I say is calling?" asked the cop. "Uh, would you hold on please?" he asked in a softer voice. He set the receiver down on the table before walking to the library door. "Let me out of here!" he yelled, banging on the door. "Let me out of here! You have no right to shut me in!" The only response was the sound of someone sweeping up the broken glass from the chandelier. "I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty. AND MURDER!" he shouted with a flourish. The library doors swung open, revealing Axel and the rest of the guests - all with mild looks of shock on their faces.

"What do you mean...'murder'?" Axel asked, tapping the handle of a broom against the floor.

"I just said it so you would open the door," he explained. The guests all forced fake laughs, giving each other nervous grins. "What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?"

"J. Edgar Hoover?" Axel asked, gripping the bristles of the broom.

"That's right. The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation," the cop continued, stepping out of the library.

"Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?" Xigbar asked with a nervous laugh.

"I don't know!" Axel exclaimed. "He's on everybody else's phone, why _shouldn_'t he be on mine?" He challenged, heading into the library. "Excuse me," he stated, stepping around the cop. Axel paused at the door to pull the key out of the lock before shutting himself in the library.

"What's going on here?" the cop demanded as soon the doors were shut.

"Uh, we're having a party," Tifa responded, running a hand down the cop's arm. The other guests, standing in a tight group, gave small, forced smiles and chuckles. "You mind if I look around," the cop asked, not falling for the party excuse.

"Suuuure," Tifa told him, turning back to the other guests. "You can show him around, Mr. Roxas!"

"Me?"

"Yeees," she stated, moving the cop in the direction of the young gentleman. "Uh, you can show him the, uh, dining room, the kitchen, the ballroom," she looked at him pointedly. All rooms without a body.

"Fine," he stated, stepping toward the cop. "Fine. Officer, um, come with me," he stated, pulling the man along behind him. "I'll show you the dining room...or kitchen...or the ballroom." Roxas led the cop to the dining room where he proceeded to investigate everything in minute detail. He raised the partition between the dining room and kitchen, peering into the other room but he didn't see anything that suggested criminal activity. "So," Roxas stated as the cop moved to the table. "This is the dining room."

"No kidding." The cop stated, chuckling. "What's going on in _those_ two rooms?" he asked, pointing to the hall.

"Uh, which two rooms?" Roxas asked as the cop moved around the table and towards the door.

Meanwhile, Tifa had gathered the guests in the study. "Make it look convincing," she ordered before grabbing a bottle of alcohol. "Come _on_," she urged, grabbing Vexen's arm and running across the hall into the lounge. They had just closed the door as the cop entered the hall.

"_Those_ to rooms," he stated, pointing to the study and lounge.

"Oh, those two rooms…" Roxas stated, laughing.

"Yes!" The cop shouted. When Roxas failed to give an answer he began striding across the hall toward the study. Roxas hurried after him before blocking his path.

"Officer, I don't think you should go in there."

"Why not?"

"Uh…" the cop dodged around the small blond, but Roxas quickly blocked the door with his body.

"Because it's . . . all too shocking!" he stated. The cop yanked him out of the way, entering the study.

Swing music was playing as the two entered the study. The cop and Roxas saw Fuu on a couch on top of Zexion's body. She was using her hand to move his arm against her hair, making it seem like he was stroking it while she pretended to kiss him. The cop looked to the far wall and saw Xigbar and the cook. They were partly hidden by a curtain. It appeared that Xigbar was kissing the cook's neck while the cook's arms stroked Xigbar's back. Yuffie was hidden behind the curtain, her body helping to hold the cook's up and it was her arms that the cop and a gobsmacked Roxas saw.

"It's not all that shocking. These folks are just having a good time," the cop stated to Roxas before leaving the study. Roxas' hand groped for the doorknob before all but falling into the hall, shutting the door behind him.

In the lounge, Tifa forced alcohol down the motorist's throat before placing the bottle in his hand. She hurried to the couch, pulling Vexen down on top of her just before the door opened, admitting Roxas and the cop.

"Excuse me?" Tifa and Vexen quickly broke apart, pretending to be startled. They untangled themselves but remained sitting on the couch as the cop inspected the motorist. Smelling the alcohol he stated, "This man's drunk. Dead drunk."

"Dead right." Tifa stated, chuckling. The cop turned back to the motorist.

"You're not going to drive home, are you?" The cop asked loudly.

"He won't be driving home, officer! I promise you that!" Vexen stated.

"Yeah…" Tifa agreed.

"Somebody will give him a lift, huh?" The cop asked.

"Oh, we'll . . . we'll . . . get him a car," Tifa stated.

"A long black car," Vexen muttered.

"A limousine," Tifa covered quickly, elbowing Vexen in the side. Tifa grinned at the cop before leaning back on the couch. Vexen followed her down, and she gave a squeal of surprise. The cop and Roxas exited, entering the hall just as Axel was quitting the library. The red-head leaned against the door jam, shocked by whatever had transpired. As he saw the cop exiting the lounge he eyes widened in surprise, and he forced a grin as he went to join the two other men.

"Officer!"

"You're too late-I've seen it all."

"You have?" He paused, glancing at Roxas over the officer's shoulder. "I can explain everything," he stated, not realizing that the cop was still uninformed about the dead bodies.

"You don't have to," the cop stated.

"I don't?" Axel asked quickly.

"Don't worry!" The cop assured. "There's nothing illegal about any of this."

"Are you sure?" he demanded.

"Of course! This is America."

"I see…"

"It's a free country, don't you know that?" The cop asked, clapping the red-head on the shoulder.

"I didn't know it was _that _free." The cop looked over his shoulder in confusion, and Roxas faked a huge grin.

"May I use your phone now?" he asked, facing Axel again.

"Certainly!" Axel stated, gesturing with his arm. He led him back to the library, locking the doors behind him once again.

"Why did you lock him in again?" Roxas asked quietly as the other guests came out of their respective rooms.

"We haven't finished searching the house, yet." Axel explained, whispering.

"Well, we're running out of time." Vexen stated. "Only fifteen minutes before the police come."

"The police already came!" Roxas whispered fiercley.

"Shut up!" Everyone whispered.

"Let's get on with it!" Axel ordered.

"Monsieur?" Larxene asked, reaching for Roxas. Larxene, Roxas, Axel and Fuu began climbing the stairs as Yuffie and Vexen headed back to the cellar.

* * *

Tifa and Xigbar entered the kitchen, pausing at the bottom of the steps to glance around. Tifa began checking the cabinets of the island while Xigbar noticed a small cupboard in one of the walls. He approached it carefully, grabbing the handle before yanking it open and quickly moving to look inside. The ironing board whacked him in the forehead. In the meantime, Tifa had made her way to the freezer and had begun tugging on the meat hooks. As she moved the meat hook on the farthest right, the back of the freezer swung open revealing another secret passage.

"Look!" she shouted, turning to Xigbar. "I can't believe it. I wonder where this one goes."

"Well, let's find out." he stated, joining her.

" All right," she agreed, stepping cautiously into the passageway.

In the study, a large painting swung open and Tifa and Xigbar cautiously stepped over the threshold. They glanced around the room before looking at each other and shrugging.

"Let's try the ball room again," Xigbar stated, heading for the door.

* * *

As Roxas and Larxene reached the attic, a gloved hand reached for the fuse box and switched it of. Every light in the mansion turned off and the swing music ground to a halt. In the cellar, Vexen lit a match in an attempt to find his way. Yuffie stumbled around the cellar, bumping into something. Thinking that Vexen had been trying to kill him, she screamed and began hitting it with her purse. "Ahhh! Don't you touch me!" she ordered. Vexen, hearing her distress, turned toward her but the match went out before he saw what was happening.

On the second floor a door slammed shut. Axel jumped, shouting in fright, but he couldn't find his way out of the room of mirrors. In the nursery, a gust of wind blew a window open and Fuu screamed. Larxene, sneaking down the master stairway, heard the scream, but continued down to the ground level and easing her way into the billiard room.

"Shut the door" a voice instructed. "Did anyone recognize you?"

"They must have," Larxene stated, dropping her French accent. "And not just my face," she continued, stepping farther into the room. "They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones." A noose was thrown over Larxene's head. "It's you!" she gasped as it was tightened.

* * *

"Hello? Hello?" the cop asked, making sure he was connected. "There's something funny going on around here. I don't know what it is…" he trailed off to listen to the other side of the conversation. While he listened, the door handle was quietly turned, and the door slid open silently. "No, I'm not on duty. But I have a feeling that I'm in danger. You know that big, ugly house on top-" The lead pipe softly pressed down on the phone cradle, cutting off the connection before it was raised above the cop's head. "Hello? Hello? Are you there?" The cop asked.

* * *

The doorbell rang. The guests all paused in what they were doing, and the front door swung open. Outside, a young woman dressed in a uniform struck a pose as the door opened.

"I am your singing telegram-" The gun was fired, and she fell to the ground as the door slammed shut.

* * *

In the attic, Roxas was attempting to find a way out. He opened a door, hoping it was an entrance to another room, and the contents of the closet fell on him.

In the dining room, Xigbar hid under the table.

In the second floor nursery, a jack-in-the-box sprung open and Fuu began screaming again. Still stuck in the room of mirrors, Axel heard her screams.

"Shouting! I'm coming!" he reassured. "I'm just trying to find the door!" He grabbed a doorknob and passed through it. "Coming…," he shouted before he slammed into a wall. His hands groped before grabbing another handle. "What's this? Another door?" He twisted the knob and water sprayed down on him from the shower-head.

* * *

Axel sloshed down the staircase, rushing to the fuse box. He flipped the switch, and electricity was restored to Hill House. The record player restarted in the lounge as the remaining guests reassembled themselves in the hall. The song ended and the record player shut itself off as the guests staggered into the billiard room. Larxene was sprawled across the pool table, strangled with the rope. Without saying a word, the guests straggled back into the hall.

They headed back toward the study, passing by the library. Axel paused as he saw the cop. They silently filed in and stared at the corpse, which was slumped over the table.

"Two murders." Roxas stated. Vexen entered the room and picked up the lead pipe.

"Neither of them shot," Vexen pointed out. "I thought I heard a gun.

"I did." Fuu stated.

"So did I." Yuffie agreed.

"I thought I heard the front door slam!" Tifa shouted nervously.

"Oh, God. The murderer must have run out," Xigbar stated. The guests ran to the front door and yanked it open. They looked down and saw the body of the singing telegram girl.

"Three murders." Axel stated.

"Six, all together," Roxas stated, adding them all up.

"This is getting serious." Axel stated. Because, you know, the first one wasn't serious at all. They shut the front door, and Axel walked over to the chandelier. "No gun. Larxene dropped it here." Axel straightened his sopping coat and brushed water droplets off his forehead. "Very well, I know who did it," he announced.

~Review~


	5. In the Hall, With the Revolver

A/N: So, I was meandering along, writing this story when I received such a fabulous review from Myste Iceraven. So I stepped it up and decided I would try to get this last chapter posted Saturday night. Well, Saturday night rolled right past me as I typed madly and before I knew it...it was one a. m. So I put the laptop away and decided to finish it Sunday morning. Up I get, open my laptop...and my cell rang. It was my friend, reminding me that we had appointments today - me to try on bridesmaid's dresses, her to shop for her wedding dress. I'm like -_-

So after four hours of excruciating hell, I have returned to finish this story. The last chapter, complete with all three endings of the movie, with an extra ending tagged on by me! The page break indicates where the movie actually ends. Everything that takes place between Xemnas and Roxas is purely my imagination.

* * *

"No gun. Larxene dropped it here." Axel straightened his sopping coat and brushed water droplets off his forehead. "Very well, I know who did it," he announced.

"You do?" Everyone asked.

"And furthermore, I'm going to tell you how it was all done. Follow me.," he ordered, leading the way into the library. "In order to help you understand what happened, I shall need to take you through the events of the evening, step by step. At the start of the evening, Larxene was here, by herself, waiting to offer you all a glass of champagne," he explained, lifting the bottle before setting it back down. "I was in the hall" he continued, moving toward the doorway. He stopped in the threshold, turning back to the guests. "I know, because I was there. Then, I hurried across to the kitchen." He motioned the guests to follow him, and they rushed to the aforementioned room. "And the cook was in here, alive, sharpening knives, preparing for dinner." He barely paused before heading back to the hall. "And then…" he continued, rushing to the front door, "the doorbell rang… And it was you!" he stated, pointing to Xigbar.

"Yes," the older man agreed. Axel continued his synopsis of the evening, pantomiming his conversation with Xigbar.

"I asked you for your coat, and I recognized you as Colonel Xigbar and I prevented you from telling your real name because I didn't want any of you to use any name other than your pseudonym and I introduced myself to you as a butler and I ran across the hall to the library!" he stated, not even pausing to take a breath. He rushed from the doorway, leading the guests back into the library. "And then Larxene met you…and smiled," he paused to give a large, cheesy grin, "and poured you a drink." He rushed back to the front door, but this time the guests only followed him as far as the library door, content to watch him from the doorway. "And the doorbell rang! And it was Mrs. Fuu, looking pale and tragic, and I took her coat, and we went off!" he stated, rushing back to the library. "And I introduced you to Colonel Xigbar." He imitated their meeting. "Hello. Hello. And I noticed that Mrs. Fuu and Larxene flinched! Then there was a rumble of thunder, and a crash of lightning." He imitated the crash of lightening. "And, to make a long story short…"

"Too late" the guests interrupted.

"…one by one, you all arrived." He finished, pretending he hadn't been interrupted. He rushed back into the hall. "And then the gong was struck by the cook!" He picked up the mallet and struck the gong. "And we went into the dining room! And Mrs. Yuffie sat here, and Professor Vexen sat here…" He stated, pointing at the seats and pretending to slurp soup. "And Mrs. Fuu sat here, and Mr. Roxas, Miss Tifa, Colonel Xigbar. This chair," he stated, pointing to the one at the head of the table, "was vacant. Anyway, we all revealed we'd all received a letter. And you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter, and you'd had a letter…" he stated, pointing at various guests.

"Get on with it!" They all demanded.

"The point is…blackmail!"

"But all this came out after dinner in the study!" Roxas stated.

"You're right!" They all rushed out of the dining room, quickly crossing the hall into the study. "Mr. Roxas stood here," Axel stated, pointing out where all the guests stood or sat after diner, "and Mrs. Yuffie here, and Miss Tifa here, and Professor Vexen here, and Colonel Xigbar, and Mrs. Fuu, and…

"Get on with it!" They demanded, growing tired of the delays.

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there! And Mr. Zexion went to get his surprise packages from the Hall. And you all opened your presents," he stated, shutting the study door. "And Mr. Zexion switched out the lights!" Axel turned off the lights. After a brief pause, everyone began screaming. Roxas switched the lights back on and they all saw Axel laying on the floor. Exclamations of shock emitted from the guests

"Grand," Roxas stated before Axel raised himself to his knees and continued his monologue.

"Mr. Zexion lay on the floor, apparently dead."

"He was dead! I examined him!" Vexen argued.

"Then why was he bashed on the head a few minutes later with a candlestick if he was dead already?" Axel asked.

"All right, I made a mistake!" Vexen conceded, turning and striding away from the butler.

"Right! But if so, why was Mr. Zexion pretending to be dead?" he asked the guests. When no one answered he continued in a quieter tone. "It could only be because he realized his scheme had misfired, and the gunshot was intended to kill him, not me. Look." He stated, grabbing an ear and turning Zexion's head so the guests could see the blood. "The bullet grazed his ear. Clearly his best way of escaping death was to pretend to be dead already."

"So whoever grabbed the gun from me in the dark was trying to kill HIM!" Vexen stated.

"But remember what happened next," he continued, moving to the table by the door and grabbing a glass. "Mrs. Yuffie took a drink," Axel imitated taking a drink. "You said, 'Maybe it's poisoned!'" Axel stated, pointing at Vexen. "She screams!" Axel imitated Yuffie's screaming before grabbing the woman and pushing her towards the couch. Yuffie allowed herself to be pushed, joining in the pantomiming and screaming as well. "Mr. Roxas…" Axel smacked Yuffie, "'Well…I had to stop her screaming.' Then, more screaming. Larxene! The billiard room! We all rushed out!" They rushed into the billiard room, Axel leaning against the billiard table and addressing the group in the doorway. "But one of us wasn't here. _No_."

"No?" They all asked.

"No. Maybe one of us was murdering the cook. Who wasn't here with us?" There was a pause as the guests looked nervously at each other.

"Do you know?" Roxas asked.

"I _do_. While we stood here, trying to stop Larxene from panicking," he continued, rushing out of the billiard room and into the study, "one of us could have stayed in the study, picked up the dagger," he grabbed the dagger from the table, "run down the hall," he continued running down the hall and past the guests, who were still huddled in the doorway of the billiard room, "and stabbed the cook," he finished, driving the dagger into a piece of meat hanging in the freezer.

"Oh, how could he risk it? We might have seen him running back." Yuffie pointed out.

"Not if they used this secret passage," he explained, stepping into the freezer and pushing the back wall open. "And the murderer ran back down the secret passage to the study," Axel finished, rushing back into the hall.

"Is that where it comes out?" Fuu asked, rushing after the butler.

"Yes! Look!" Axel stated, swinging the picture open.

"Wha…?" Roxas asked.

"How did you know?" Xigbar demanded.

"This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along." Axel stated, playing with the swinging portrait.

"So you could be the murderer." Roxas stated.

"Don't be ridiculous." Axel chuckled. "If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?"

"Well…who else knew about the secret passage?" Roxas asked.

"We found it." Tifa stated, smacking Xigbar's shoulder. "Colonel Xigbar and me."

"You found it. You could have known about it all the time." Xigbar stated.

"But I _didn't_!"

"Well, why should we believe you?" Yuffie demanded.

"Because she was with us all in the billiard room doorway while Larxene was screaming, don't you remember?" Axel interrupted.

"What I don't understand is, why was the cook murdered? She had nothing to do with Mr. Zexion." Yuffie stated.

"Of course she did." Axel countered. "I gathered you all here together because you were all implicated in Mr. Zexion's dastardly blackmail. Did none of you deduce that the others were involved, too?" A dramatic pause took place after this information was given.

"What others?" Fuu asked.

"The cook. And Larxene?"

"No!" The guests stated, shocked.

"That's how he got all his information." Axel explained. "Before he could blackmail anyone, Mr. Zexion had to discover their guilty secret. The cook and Larxene were his accomplices!"

"I see!" Xigbar stated before continuing slowly. "So, whoever knew that the cook was involved killed her?"

"Yes." Axel nodded and Xigbar gave a proud smile. "I know, because I was Mr. Zexion's butler, that the cook had worked for one of you."

"Who?" The group demanded.

"You recognized Larxene, didn't you?" Axel asked, turning on Fuu. "Don't deny it."

"What do you mean, 'don't deny it'? I'm not denying anything," she stated, moving away from the butler.

"Another denial!" Axel stated, following her. Fuu turned around, sticking her tongue out and blowing a raspberry.

"All right, it's true. I knew Larxene. My husband had an affair with her, but I didn't care. I wasn't jealous," she ended with a forced chuckle.

"You knew Larxene, too, didn't you?" Axel continued, moving on to Tifa.

"Yes. She worked for me."

"And you also knew her, sir." Axel stated, turning to Xigbar. "We've already established that you were one of Miss Tifa's clients. That's why you were so desperate to get your hands on those negatives. Photographs of you and Larxene in flagrante delicto, remember?

"Mr. Zexion threatened to send those pictures to my dear old mother. The shock would have killed her!" Xigbar stated.

"Ha. That would have been quite an achievement since you told us that she's dead already." Fuu stated, turning to Axel. "So, he had the motive."

"You all had a motive."

"But where and when was Mr. Zexion killed?" Xigbar asked.

"Don't you see?" he asked, grabbing Roxas and dragging him to the study door. "Look, we came back to the study with Larxene. Mr. Zexion was on the floor," he stated, throwing the small blond down, "pretending to be dead. But one of us noticed he's alive," he grabbed the back or Roxas' jacket, hauling the struggling blond up and tossing him into the chair by the door. "So. I explained that I was Mr. Zexion's butler, and I'd invited you here, and we realized there was only one other person in the house."

"The cook!" They all cried, rushing out of the study. Axel stayed behind, slipping into the secret passage. Roxas entered the kitchen first, just like the last time. He reached the freezer, turning to address Axel, but the butler was nowhere to be found.

"Well, where is he?" Roxas asked. The freezer door swung open, and Axel fell out. Tifa screamed as Roxas caught the butler's body. Realizing that the butler wasn't _actually_ dead and growing tired of the charade, he dropped Axel onto the floor.

"By now, she was dead." Axel explained, continuing his monologue from his spot on the floor. "We laid her down with our backs to the freezer," he continued, standing up. "One of us slipped through the same secret passage..."

"Again?" Yuffie asked.

"Of course! Back to the study!" He rushed out of the kitchen with the guests tiredly following him. "The murderer was in the secret passage," he explained, pretending to climb out of the passage. "Meanwhile, Mr. Zexion," he tripped Roxas onto the floor again, "had been on the floor. He jumped up," he grabbed Roxas' jacket, pulling the smaller blond off the floor before pausing and pushing him back down, "the murderer came out of the secret panel, picked up the candlestick," Axel pretended to grab the candlestick and proceeded to chase Roxas out into the hall. "Mr. Zexion followed us out of the study into the hall, looking for an escape. The murderer crept up behind him and . . . killed him!" he finished, knocking Roxas down onto the hall floor.

"Will you stop that!" Roxas demanded, climbing off the floor.

"No." Axel answered, grabbing the blond before dragging him farther down the hall. Then he threw him into the toilet!" he stated, tossing the blond inside.

"No!" Roxas shouted, flying into the bathroom as Axel shut the door and leaned against it.

"And nonchalantly rejoined us beside the cook's body in the kitchen. It took less than half a minute," he stated, pointing to his watch for emphasis.

"So who wasn't there the entire time in the kitchen?" Xigbar asked.

"Whoever it was, is the murderer!" Axel stated, sprinting down the hall. Roxas exited the bathroom, toilet flushing behind him. He and Xigbar exchanged glances before Roxas pushed the hand-towel into Xigbar's hands and followed the other guests down the hall. "And we put the weapons in the cupboard," Axel explained, pretending to lock the cupboard in the study, "locked it, and ran to the front door." They all rushed out of the study to the door. "To throw away the key!" He opened the door and froze in the act of pantomiming. "The motorist! I didn't throw the key away-I put it in my pocket. And someone could have taken it out of my pocket and substituted another!"

"We were all in a huddle. Any one of us could have done that!" Vexen stated.

"Precisely." Axel stated, shutting the door.

"Wait a minute," Roxas stated, turning away from the front door and walking further into the hall. "Colonel Xigbar has a top-secret Pentagon job. Mrs. Fuu's husband is a nuclear physicist, and…" he ran to the billiard room and pointed at the corpse. "…Larxene is a link between them."

"What is your top-secret job, Colonel?" Vexen stated, moving toward the older man.

"I can tell you." Axel stated. "He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb." Yuffie gasped.

"How did you know that?" Xigbar asked.

"Can you keep a secret?" Axel asked, leaning toward the older man.

"Yes," Xigbar agreed, leaning toward Axel.

"So can I."

"Is this a plot between them, Axel, or did Colonel Xigbar do it alone?" Yuffie demanded.

"We shall see. Let's look at the other murders."

"Yes. Bad luck that that motorist arrived at that moment." Vexen stated.

"It wasn't luck, I invited him," Axel stated, amused.

"You did?!" The women asked incredulously.

"Of course. It's obvious. Everyone here tonight was either Mr. Zexion's victim or accomplice. Everyone who has died gave him vital information about one of you. I got them here so they'd give evidence against him and force him to confess."

"Oh, yeah? What about that motorist? What kind of information did he have?" Tifa asked.

"He was my driver during the war." Xigbar admitted, sitting down on the hall bench.

"And what was he holding over you?" Axel demanded.

"He knew that I was a war profiteer." Xigbar paused before continuing. "I stole essential Air Force radio parts, and I sold them on the black market. That is how I made all my money. But that does not make me a murderer!"

"Well, a lot of our airmen died because their radios didn't work!" Yuffie scolded. Xigbar looked away, ashamed. "Was the policeman working for Mr. Zexion, too?"

"The cop was from Washington." Tifa stated, leaning against the wall. "He was on my payroll. I bribed him once a week so I could carry on with business. Mr. Zexion found out somehow…"

"Oh, my God…" Yuffie muttered disgustedly.

"Oh, please." Tifa stated, annoyed.

"And the singing telegram girl?" Roxas interrupted. The front door opened and the guests looked down at the body.

"She was my patient once." Vexen confessed. "I had an affair with her. That's how I lost my license. Mr. Zexion found that out, too."

"Well," Axel stated, clapping his hands together. "Let's put her in the study with the others." Roxas, Vexen and Xigbar carried the body into the study. They glanced at each other before gracelessly dropping the body to the floor.

"So," Axel continued after the guests had gathered back into the hall. "Now you all know _why_ they died. Whoever killed Mr. Zexion also wanted his accomplices dead."

"How did the murderer know about them all?" Vexen asked. "I mean, I admit that I had guessed that this young singer informed on me to Mr. Zexion…but I didn't know anything about any of you until this evening."

"First, the murder needed to get the weapons. Easy. He stole the key from my pocket. And then we all followed Colonel Xigbar's suggestion that we split up and search the house."

"That's right, it was Colonel Xigbar's suggestion!" Yuffie agreed. Xigbar shot the young girl a look that stated he was clearly unimpressed with Yuffie's attempts to place the blame for the murders on him.

"And one of us got away from his or her partner and hurried to the study." Moving back into the study, Axel leaned against the desk. "On the desk was the envelope from Mr. Zexion. It contained photographs and letters - the evidence of Mr. Zexion's network of informants."

"Where is the envelope now?" Fuu asked, joining Axel by the desk.

"Gone. Destroyed." He paused to look around the study. "Perhaps in the fire…" he stated, pulling the grate aside. "The only possible place." He pulled out the remnants of the tape recordings from earlier in the evening. "Ah hah! Then, having found out the whole story, the murderer went to the cupboard, unlocked it with the key, took out the wrench…"

"Then we found the secret passage from the conservatory to the lounge…where we found the motorist dead!" Tifa interrupted excitedly, rushing out into the hallway.

"That's right!" Axel stated, rushing out and joining Tifa by the door to the lounge. "And we couldn't get in. So Larxene ran to the open cupboard," he continued, rushing back across the hall to the study, "got the gun and shot the door open," he finished, rushing back to the lounge and pretending to fire a gun. "BANG! And then, the doorbell rang!" He stated, rushing back to the group huddled in front of the study. As he finished his statement, the doorbell rang. The guests froze in shock.

"Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away, or they'll be killed!" Yuffie exclaimed, moving to the front door. "Ohhh," she moaned before opening the door. An elderly gentleman stood on the porch, pamphlets in hand.

"Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?" he asked.

"What?" Yuffie asked, confused. Inside, the guests and Axel were spread in an arc, staring at the stranger.

"Repent," he continued. "The kingdom of heaven IS at hand."

"You ain't just whistlin' Dixie." Tifa stated, propping her right arm against the wall and leaning against it.

"Armageddon is almost upon us." The stranger continued.

"I've got news for you it's already here!" Vexen stated, leaning to see around Yuffie.

"Go away!" Yuffie stated, shooing at the stranger with her purse.

"But your souls are in danger!"

"Our lives our in danger, you beatnik!" Yuffie stated, shutting the door on the pamphlets the gentleman had been holding out.

"The cop arrived next, we locked him in the library." Axel continued, as if nothing had happened. "We forgot the cupboard with the weapons was now unlocked," he stated, rushing into the study, "then we split up again," he exited the study and ran down the hall, "and the murderer switched off the electricity!" He grabbed the handle to the fuse box and switched it off.

"Oh, my God." Roxas stated nervously as Fuu screamed.

"Not again." Yuffie whined.

"Turn on the _lights_!" Tifa shouted, clearly annoyed.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to frighten you." Axel stated, smiling.

"You're a bit late for that!" Roxas shouted. "I hate it when he does that!" he stated, turning to Fuu. Fuu whimpered in response.

"Then there were three more murders." Axel stated.

"So which of us killed them?" Fuu asked.

"None of us killed Mr. Zexion, or the cook." Axel stated, leisurely strolling back towards the guests.

"So who did?" Roxas and Fuu demanded.

"The one person who wasn't with us." Roxas and Fuu gasped, starting to point at each other. "Larxene."

"Larxene?!" Everyone except Roxas asked.

"She was in the billiard room, listening to our conversation. She heard the gunshot. She thought he was dead. And while we all examined the bullet hole, she crept into the study, picked up the dagger, ran to the kitchen, and stabbed the cook. We didn't hear the cook scream because Mrs. Yuffie was screaming about the poisoned brandy. The, Larxene returned to the billiard room. She screamed, and we all ran to her."

"Well, when did she kill Mr. Zexion?" Xigbar demanded.

"When I _said_. We all ran to the kitchen to see the cook. Larxene hid in the study to check that Mr. Zexion was dead. He got up, and followed them down the hall, so she hit him on the head with a candlestick, and dragged him to the toilet."

"Why?" Tifa asked, exasperated.

"To create confusion!"

"It worked." Yuffie stated.

"Why did she do it?" Vexen demanded.

"Was it because she was acting under orders? From the person who later killed her." Axel stated.

"Who?!" Vexen asked.

"Who?!" Yuffie demanded.

"Who?!" Tifa questioned.

"Was it one of her clients?" Axel asked, turning to face Xigbar. "Or was it a jealous wife?" He questioned, facing Fuu. "Or an adulterous doctor?" He inquired, facing Vexen. "No. It was her employer, Miss Tifa."

"That's a lie!" Tifa stated, all traces of amusement gone.

"Is it? You used her, the way you always used her. You killed the motorist when we split up to search the house."

"How could I have known about the secret passage?" She asked.

"Easy. Larxene told you. So when we split up again…you switched off the electricity. It was easy for you, here on the ground floor. Then, in the dark, you got the lead pipe and the rope, strangled Larxene, ran to the library, killed the cop, picked up the gun where Larxene dropped it, opened the front door, recognized the singing telegram from her photograph, and shot her."

"You've no proof." Tifa stated smugly.

"The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses. Whoever has the gun is the murderer."

"Brilliantly worked out, Axel. I congratulate you." Tifa stated, whipping the revolver out of her purse. The guests huddled in a group at the base of the steps while Axel remained standing on the steps to the front door.

"Me too!" Xigbar chuckled, impressed.

"Shut up!" Tifa shouted, pointing the revolver at him.

"Now, there's one thing I don't understand." Roxas stated. He began to move forward but quit when Tifa trained the gun on him.

"ONE thing?" Vexen questioned.

"Why did you do it? Half of Washington knows what kind of business you run. You were in no real danger. The whole _town_ would be implicated if you were exposed." Roxas stated.

"I don't think they know my real business. My business is _secrets,_" Tifa explained. "Larxene found them out for me. The secrets of Senator Yuffie's defense committee, of Colonel Xigbar's fusion bomb, Professor Vexen's U.N. contacts, and the work of your husband," she stated, approaching Fuu, "the nuclear physicist."

"So. It IS political. You're a communist!" Roxas accused.

"No, Mr. Roxas. Communism is just a red herring. Like all members of the oldest profession, I'm a capitalist. And I'm gonna sell my secrets, _your_ secrets, to the highest bidder."

"And what if we don't cooperate?" Xigbar questioned.

"You will. Or I'll expose you."

"We could expose you. Six murders?" Vexen questioned.

"I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N., Professor Vexen, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death. And the deaths of five other people!"

"You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N. I might go _up_ in their estimation."

"It is no good blackmailing me, madam." Xigbar stated, stepping forward. He hesitated when Tifa trained the gun on him. "I have no more money!"

"Neither do I." Every guest but Roxas stated.

"I know, sweetie pie. But you can pay me in government information." She waved the gun to indicate all the guests. "All of you. Except you, Axel," She stated, approaching the butler. "You, as a mere butler, have no access to government secrets." She cocked the gun. "So I'm afraid your moment has come."

"No so fast, Miss Tifa. I do have a secret or two."

"Oh yeah? Such as?"

"The game's up, Tifa. There are no more bullets left in that gun."

"Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?"

"It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Zexion in the study. Two for the chandelier, two at the lounge door, and one for the singing telegram."

"That's not six."

"One plus two plus two plus one."

"Uh, uh. There was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus ONE plus one."

"Even if you are right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus TWO plus one plus one."

"Okay, fine. One plus two plus one…" She paused, shaking her head to clear herself of the distraction. "Shut up!" she shouted angrily. "Point is, there's one bullet left in this gun, and guess who's going to get it?" The doorbell rang, and Axel used the distraction to grab Tifa's wrist, pulling her arm behind her back and wrenching the revolver out of her hand. Roxas raced to the door, yanking it open and jumping out of the way as policemen surged into the hall. He fell to his knees praying as they passed him by.

"I'm only a guest!" Xigbar stated, raising his hands as the policemen began searching the rooms.

"Where's the chief?" Axel demanded. The stranger from earlier entered, gun in hand.

"Ah, Axel, well done," he stated, approaching the butler. "I did warn you, my dear," he stated to Tifa. "Mr. Hoover is an expert on Armageddon."

"Axel, don't hate me for trying to shoot you." Tifa stated, standing and looking solicitously at the butler.

"Frankly, Tifa, I don't give a damn. As I was trying to tell you, there are no bullets left in this gun. You see?" He pointed the gun and fired, the bullet grazing the rope of the second chandelier. "One plus two… plus one…" Axel stated, a puzzled expression on his face as he tried to calculate where he had miscounted.

"…plus two, plus one… is…" Xigbar muttered, counting on his fingers. The rope broke, and the chandelier crashed to the floor behind him.

~That's how it COULD have happened. But how about this?~

"In the dark," Axel stated after switching the lights back on, "the murderer ran across the hall to the study, picked up the rope, and the lead pipe. Ran to the billiard room." Roxas followed. "Strangled Larxene," Roxas ducked out of Axel's way, not wanting to be used in another demonstration. Axel pretended to strangle Fuu. "Ran to the library, hit the cop on the head with the lead pipe," Roxas dodged out of the way again, and Axel pretended to hit Xigbar on the head. "Then, coming out of the library, the doorbell rang - it was the singing telegram. The murderer picked up the gun where Larxene dropped it, ran to the door, opened it, recognized the girl from her picture, shot her, and ran back to the cellar!" He finished, grabbing Yuffie's hand and dragging her to the door of the cellar.

"The cellar!" Everyone shouted.

"Yes."

"But Colonel Xigbar wasn't in the cellar." Yuffie stated, wrenching her hand from Axel's grasp.

"No. But you were." Axel stated ominously.

"So?"

"You murdered them all. You were the person who was missing when the cook and Mr. Zexion were murdered. And the cook used to be your cook! Don't you remember your fatal mistake? You told us at dinner that we were eating one of your favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often found in Washington, D.C."

"Is that what we ate?" Roxas asked, his left hand landing on Axel's shoulder. He gagged, and disappeared down the hall.

"Why would I have murdered all of the others?" Yuffie asked.

"Obviously, in case Mr. Zexion had told them about you."

"So it has all nothing to do with the disappearing nuclear physicist and Colonel Xigbar's work on the new fusion bomb." Vexen stated.

"No," Axel chuckled. "Communism was just a red herring. Mrs. Yuffie did it all."

"There's no proof."

"Well. The gun is missing. Gentlemen, turn out your pockets. Ladies, empty your purses." Xigbar turned out both pockets, and Tifa revealed an empty purse. "Whoever has the gun, is the murderer."

"Very well." Yuffie stated, pulling the gun from her purse. "What do you propose to do about it?"

"Nothing." Axel stated as Roxas staggered back from the bathroom.

"Nothing?"

"Nothing at all," he stated as Roxas froze, taking in the gun in Yuffie's hand. "I don't approve of murder. But it seems to me that you've done the world a service by ridding it of an appalling blackmailer and his disgusting informers."

"But the police will be here any minute." Roxas stated, leaning on the bannister. "What happens then?"

"Why should the police come? Nobody's called them." Axel stated.

"You mean…" Yuffie trailed off.

"That's right. Now, I suggest that we stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly, one at a time, and pretend than none of this has ever happened," he finished, moving away from Yuffie.

"Great idea! I'll leave first…if you don't mind." She waved Xigbar, Tifa and Vexen away from the front door with the gun.

"Be my guest. In fact, I think we all owe you a vote of thanks." Axel stated as the guests huddled around him. He began singing. "For she's a jolly good fellow, for she's a jolly good fellow…" The other guests joined in as Yuffie backed her way out of the front door. The singing trailed off as the front door shut.

"I TOLD you I didn't DO it!" Roxas stated.

"But what if the authorities find out what happened?" Xigbar questioned, ignoring Roxas' statement.

"The F.B.I. will take care of that." Axel stated, moving toward the steps.

"You mean…" Xigbar trailed off.

"My phone call from Mr. Hoover?" Axel asked, leaning against the railing. "I work for him, of course. How else could I have known everything about you all?"

"There's still one thing I don't understand." Xigbar stated.

"ONE thing?" Fuu questioned incredulously.

"Who was Mrs. Yuffie taking bribes from?" Xigbar asked, crossing the hall to stand by Axel.

"A foreign power. Her husband, the senator, has influence over defense contracts." He explained.

"Is there going to be a coverup?" Vexen questioned.

"Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?"

"But is the F.B.I. in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?" Vexen pressed.

"Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called "Hoover"?"

Outside in the driveway, Yuffie staggered toward her car. She had just opened the door when a voice called to her.

"Oh, Mrs. Yuffie…" She turned around to see the gentleman from earlier looking at her.

"How did you know my name?" She questioned.

"The kingdom of heaven IS at hand." He dropped his pamphlets, training a gun on her. Flood lights flicked on as officers began jumping the hedges to grab the murderess. "Okay, take her away!"

"Take your hands off me! I'm a senator's wife!" She cried. Axel and the remaining guests ran out the front door, shielding their eyes from the light.

"Axel, we got her." The chief stated, lighting a cigarette.

"You see? Like the Mounties, we always get our man." Axel stated, straightening his jacket.

"Mrs. Yuffie was a man?!" Roxas cried. Xigbar slapped him, the force spinning the blond around to face Axel. Axel slapped him as well and Roxas nearly fell to the ground, catching himself just in time.

"Would anyone care for fruit or desert?" Axel asked.

~But here's what REALLY happened~

"Sorry, didn't mean to frighten anyone." Axel said, smiling as he re-entered the hall after turning the lights back on.

"You're a bit late for that!" Roxas yelled.

"Then, there were three more murders." Axel stated, ignoring the blond.

"So who did it!?" The guests cried.

"Let's consider each murder one by one." Axel continued, striding across the hall to stand in front of Vexen. "Professor Vexen, you knew that Mr. Zexion was still alive. Even psychiatrists can tell the difference between patients who are alive or dead. You fired the gun at him in the dark and missed, so you pretended he was dead. That's how you were able to kill him later, unobserved."

"That's right! He was the missing person in the kitchen after we found the cook dead!" Tifa cried.

"But he was with us in the billiard room when we found Larxene screaming." Roxas stated. "If that's when the cook was killed, how did he do it?"

"I didn't!" Vexen cried.

"You don't expect us to believe that, do you?" Yuffie questioned.

"I expect you to believe it." Axel stated dryly. "You killed the cook. She used to be your cook, and she informed on you to Mr. Zexion. You made one fatal mistake!" Axel led the guests into the dining room, sitting in the seat Yuffie had occupied at dinner. "Sitting here, at dinner, Mrs. Yuffie told us that she was eating one of her favorite recipes. And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.," he finished, standing slowly. "Colonel Xigbar, when we saw the motorist at the front door," he continued, rushing to the door and opening it, "you took the key to the weapons cupboard out of my pocket. Then you suggested that we all split up. You separated from Miss Tifa, crossed the hall, opened the cupboard, took the wrench, ran to the conservatory, entered the lounge through the secret passage, killed the motorist with a blow on the head. Like that!" he finished, pretending to strike the motorist on the head in the lounge. He exited the lounge, grabbing Fuu by the hand and dragging her toward the stairs.

"This is incredible!" she stated, following after Axel.

"Not so incredible as what happened next!" he stated, dropping Fuu halfway up the steps before continuing further up himself. "After we all split up again, I went upstairs with you, yes, you, Mrs. Fuu!" he continued up to the second floor. "And, while I was in the master bedroom, you hurried downstairs and turned off the electricity, got the rope from the open cupboard, and throttled Larxene." He ran back down the stairs, stopping to stand outside the billiard room door. "You WERE jealous that your husband was schtuping Larxene. That's why you killed him, too!"

"Yes." She agreed, coming down the stairs. "Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her SO much. I-It-It-flame-flames-_flames_…on the side of my face…breathing…breathle-heaving breaths…heaving-"

"But while you were in the billiard room," Axel continued, cutting off Fuu's incoherent ranting, "Miss Tifa seized the opportunity and, under cover of darkness, got to the library, where she hit the cop, whom she'd been bribing, on the head with the lead pipe! True or false?" he asked, leaning across the doorway from the woman.

"True! Who are you, Perry Mason?" she asked, impressed and amused.

"So it must have been Mr. Roxas who shot the singing telegram!" Vexen cried, pointing at the young man.

"I didn't do it!" Roxas cried. It was becoming something of his catchphrase.

"Well, there's nobody else left." Xigbar stated, quite illogically.

"But I didn't do it!" He paused, thinking things through. "The gun is missing! Whoever's got the gun, shot the girl!" Axel reached into his pocket, nonchalantly pulling the revolver from it.

"I shot her," he confessed.

"You?!" The guests asked. Tifa pushed off the door jam, backing away from the butler.

"So it was you. I was going to expose you." Roxas stated as Tifa pulled alongside him.

"I know. So I choose to expose myself."

"Please, there are ladies present!" Xigbar stated.

"You thought Mr. Zexion was dead." Axel stated to the guests. "But why? None of you even met him until tonight." A look of understanding crossed Roxas' face.

"You're Mr. Zexion!" he cried. A slow grin creeped onto Axel's face and he chuckled.

"Wait a minute!" Vexen cried, running to the door of the study. "So who did I kill?"

"My butler." Axel stated, unimpressed.

"Oh, shucks." Vexen stated. Axel waved him back to the group with the gun.

"He was expendable, like all of you. I'm grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there's no evidence against me."

"This all has nothing to do with my disappearing nuclear physicist husband or Colonel Xigbar's work with the new top-secret fusion bomb?" Fuu asked.

"No. Communism was just a red herring." Axel stated before scurrying down the hall backwards.

"But, the police will be here any minute! You'll never get away with this, any of you!" Roxas stated as Axel grabbed his umbrella and bowler hat from the front closet.

"Why should the police come? Nobody's called them." Axel stated derisively.

"You mean…oh, my God, of course!" Yuffie cried.

"So why shouldn't we get away with it? We'll stack the bodies in the cellar, lock it, leave quietly one at a time, and forget that any of this ever happened." Axel stated.

"And you'll just go on blackmailing us all." Roxas questioned, reaching into his pocket.

"Of course. Why not?"

"Well, I'll tell you why not," he stated, drawing a gun from his pocket before kneeling and shooting Axel. His bullet hit before Axel had time to line up his shot, and the red-head dropped his gun, staggering back and hitting the closet door. Tifa screamed.

"Good shot, Roxas." Axel acknowledged before sliding down to the floor. He pulled his hand away from his side and saw the blood on it. "Oh, very good…" he stated before his head fell backward and he died. Roxas stood, gun still in his hand. Fuu rushed forward and the blond trained the gun on her.

"Are you a cop?" she asked.

"No, I'm a plant."

"A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a 'fruit'." Tifa stated.

"Very funny," he stated, his voice clearly indicating that it wasn't. He pulled out a badge. "F.B.I. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me." He walked to the door, pausing to look over his shoulder. "I told you I didn't do it!" As he pulled open the door, policemen poured into the hallway, all of them training their guns on the remaining guests.

"All right. Who done it?" The chief asked. The remaining guests all began pointing at the others, the policemen re-training the guns accordingly.

"They all did it!" Roxas shouted over them. The guests fell silent. "But if you want to know who killed Mr. Zexion," he motioned to Axel's dead body. "I did. In the hall, with the revolver. Okay, chief, take 'em away. I'm going to go home and sleep."

* * *

Roxas stepped into the control room as Xemnas stood from his chair. The white-haired man paused the video footage he had been watching before turning to face the younger man.

"Everything went according to plan?" he asked.

"Yeah. Everyone did what they were supposed to."

"Good," Xemnas stated, turning away from the blond.

"Any particular reason Larxene had to die?" Roxas asked curiously.

"She was attempting to plot an overthrow with Marluxia." Roxas raised an eyebrow. "He will be having an...accident in the near future." Xemnas stated.

"And Zexion?" he questioned. Xemnas waved his hand to indicate the other boy was fine. "And Axel?" Xemnas smirked.

"The vest did its job properly. He has a bruise where the bullet impacted, but he's alive. He's already left the office and returned home." Xemnas waved his hand to dismiss the small blond, turning back to face the monitors. Roxas turned on his heel and headed for the door. "I suppose you'll be joining the others at the bar to celebrate the end of this assignment?" he asked, keeping his gaze fixed on the video footage.

"No," Roxas answered, not even slowing his pace. Instinctively feeling the inquisitive look Xemnas was giving him, Roxas smirked. "I'm going to go home and sleep with my boyfriend," he stated, the door sliding shut behind him.

~End~


End file.
